"Boy, this is worse than the time I asked KITT from Knight Rider to summarize the Bible."

 

• Genesis

  Peter: Alright, so Genesis Chapter One. God creates the world in six days, right? Lois: Yeah, and on the seventh day he rested. Brian: So like, God made the universe in a week, just like Disney made The Lion King 2 in a week! →

• Exodus

  Peter: Alright, so in the book of Exodus, Chapter One, the Israelite population has grown so large that the Pharaoh is worried they will take over. So he orders his people to put the Israelites into slavery and to kill all the baby boys. →

• Leviticus

  Peter: Alright, so Leviticus 1 is all about animal sacrifices. Stewie: Animal sacrifices? Like, sacrificing animals to some kind of ancient deity, like an old-timey version of me sacrificing a hamster to the old gods? →

• Numbers

  1-3 [Scene: Peter Griffin sitting at a table with his family and friends] Peter: Alright, so let's review the Bible Chapter by Chapter. First off, we got Numbers 1:1-3. Lois: Okay, so what does it say? →

• Deuteronomy

  Lois: Okay, time for Deuteronomy! Stewie: Ooh, I know this one! It's the one where Moses and the Israelites are about to enter the Promised Land, and God gives them a pep talk about their journey. Peter: Yeah, like the one in The Lion King when Mufasa talks to Simba about the Circle of Life. →

• Joshua

  Peter: Alright, so what are we summarizing here? Lois: Joshua 1. Peter: Oh, right. So, God tells Joshua that he's gonna take the Israelites into the Promised Land. He tells Joshua to be strong and courageous and not to be afraid. →

• Judges

  Peter: Okay, so here's the deal. Judges 1 starts off with the Israelites asking the Lord if they should go out and conquer the land of Canaan. So the Lord says, "Yes, go out and conquer it!" Lois: Then they decide to divide the land up among the 12 tribes, and they start to take over the different cities. →

• Ruth

  Peter: Alright, so in this Bible chapter, we meet Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi. Meg: Wow, that's a lot of women, it's like a Real Housewives spinoff! Lois: Meg, this is serious. Peter: Yeah, so Naomi and Ruth lived in Moab, and Naomi's husband and sons died, leaving her with no one to take care of her. →

• 1 Samuel

  Peter: Alright, here's the deal. So, this one's from the Bible, 1 Samuel 1. So, it's like a long time ago, and there's this guy, Elkanah, and his wife Hannah. And they're not having any luck having a kid. →

• 2 Samuel

  Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 1. Uhh, let's see here. So, it starts off with a guy named David who is sad and in mourning, because he just heard that Saul and Jonathan had died in battle. Lois: Oh no! That's so sad. →

• 1 Kings

  Peter: "Ok, so 1 Kings 1 is about this old king, David, who is about to die and his son Adonijah is trying to take the throne. But then David's wife Bathsheba and her son Solomon come in with the support of the priest Zadok, the prophet Nathan, and the military commander Benaiah. →

• 2 Kings

  Peter: Alright, so in this chapter of the Bible, God sends an angel to Elijah the prophet, telling him to go to meet the king of Israel. Lois: Oh, that sounds like a fun mission! Brian: What kind of king are we talking about here? →

• 1 Chronicles

  Peter: Alright, everyone, let's start with 1 Chronicles 1. Adam: Uh, is this gonna be a long one? Peter: This is the bible, Adam! It's always long! Lois: Okay, let's see here. 1 Chronicles 1 is about the genealogy of Adam - it lists all his descendants until Jacob. →

• 2 Chronicles

  Peter: Alright, here we go, 2 Chronicles 1. So, King Solomon went to the holy place at Gibeon and there he offered a thousand burnt offerings to the Lord. Lois: Wow, talk about a lot of firewood! Stewie: Yeah, that's like a whole season of Game of Thrones! →

• Ezra

  Peter: Alright, so in Ezra 1, King Cyrus of Persia issues a decree to rebuild the Temple of Jerusalem. Lois: What a nice guy! Stewie: Yeah, he sounds like a real party animal. Brian: Wait, wasn't Cyrus also the guy who said, "Let my people go!"? →

• Nehemiah

  Peter (narrator): So, the Bible chapter we're talking about today is Nehemiah 1. Lois: What's it about? Peter: Well, it's about a guy named Nehemiah who hears news of how the walls of Jerusalem are in ruins and he's pretty bummed out about it. →

• Esther

  Peter: Alright, so this is Esther 1. So, King Ahasuerus throws a big fancy party, and everyone is having a blast. Lois: Yeah, they're drinking wine, partying and dancing. Stewie: Just like the cast of Jersey Shore! →

• Job

  [Peter Griffin] "Okay, so in Job 1, there's this guy named Job and he's totally righteous, right? Anyway, God and Satan get into a debate about this guy and God's like 'Hey, Job's totally righteous, no way he'd ever turn away from me!' and Satan's like 'Oh yeah? I bet he will if you throw a bunch of bad stuff his way!' So God's like 'Alright, you're on!' and then he sends all kinds of bad stuff Job's way, and it's just one thing after another. →

• Psalms

  Peter: All right, here we go: Psalms 1. So, the righteous man is like a tree planted by the rivers of water, bringing forth fruit in due season and his leaf shall not wither. Lois: You mean like, if you water a tree, it'll produce apples? →

• Proverbs

  Peter: Alright, so Proverbs 1. Uh, let's see, "The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel." Lois: Wow, Solomon was a wise king. Peter: Yeah, he was pretty smart. But I'm sure he was totally lame compared to me. →

• Ecclesiastes

  Peter: Alright, so Ecclesiastes 1. That's pretty deep stuff. Lois: No kidding! Solomon is talking about how everything is meaningless and nothing is new. Brian: Yeah, like when The Office was still on the air. →

• Song of Solomon

  Peter: Alright, so this is the summary of the Song of Solomon chapter 1. It's a love poem from the guy to the girl, and it's all about how much he loves her and how beautiful she is. Lois: Oh, that's so sweet! →

• Isaiah

  Peter: Alright, so this is Isaiah 1. Lois: What's it about? Peter: Well, God is mad at the people of Israel for their wickedness and all their sacrifices are meaningless to Him. He's like, "Stop offering up sacrifices. →

• Jeremiah

  Peter: So, uh, the Bible chapter we're talking about today is Jeremiah 1. Lois: Oh, okay. What's it about? Peter: Well, it's about this prophet named Jeremiah who God called to be a prophet when he was a young boy. →

• Lamentations

  Lois: "Oh, boy. Here we go. Lamentations 1. This one's gonna be a doozy!" Peter: "Is it like the TV show Lamentations of the Heart? I loved that show!" Lois: "No, Peter. It's about the fall of Jerusalem and how the people are mourning and lamenting their losses. →

• Ezekiel

  Peter: Alright, so, Ezekiel 1. Basically, this guy Ezekiel had a vision of four huge things, kind of like 'The Avengers' but with creatures instead of people. They each had four wings and four faces, plus legs like a calf and hooves like a bull. →

• Daniel

  Peter: Alright, so Daniel Chapter 1. This is the one with all the Babylonian stuff, right? Brian: Right. So basically, King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon conquered Judah and took some of the best young men from the royal family to be trained for service in his court. →

• Hosea

  Peter (as Hosea): Alright God, what do you want me to do? God: I want you to marry a prostitute, Hosea. Peter (as Hosea): Whoa, you sure about that? God: Yes, I am. Her name is Gomer and she will be an illustration of my people who have broken their covenant and turned away from me. →

• Joel

  Peter: Alright, so, uh, this is Joel 1. Lois: So what's it about? Peter: Well, according to the Bible, it's about a locust plague that destroys the land of Judah. Stewie: That sounds like something out of a horror movie! →

• Amos

  Peter (as narrator): Alright, folks, it's time for a Bible summary like you've never heard before. This one is from the book of Amos, chapter 1. Lois: Ugh, I'm not sure I even know what Amos is. Peter: Well, Lois, it's one of the books of the Old Testament. →

• Obadiah

  Peter: Alright, so here's the scoop on Obadiah 1: It's all about the destruction of Edom, a nation that opposed God's people. And Edom was none too pleased about it. Lois: Uh huh. So, what was God's punishment for Edom? →

• Jonah

  Peter: Alright Lois, let's hear about this Jonah 1 thing. Lois: Well, God told Jonah to go preach to Nineveh, but Jonah didn't want to, so he hopped on a ship headed in the opposite direction. Peter: Wait a minute, is this like that old movie where a guy runs away from God, then gets swallowed by a whale? →

• Micah

  Peter: Alright, so it's time for our summary of the Bible chapter by chapter. This week, we're looking at Micah 1. Lois: That's right, Peter. Micah 1 is all about the prophecy of destruction and judgement of Samaria and Judah. →

• Nahum

  Peter: Alright, so this is Nahum Chapter 1. So, uh, God is mad at Nineveh and decides to send Nahum to tell em' off. It's like when I had to tell off the guy who stole my box of Cheerios at the Quahog Mini-Mart. →

• Habakkuk

  Peter: Alright, so this is Habakkuk 1, right? Lois: That's right, Peter. Peter: Well, the prophet is really mad at God, because God hasn't done anything about all the wickedness. So he's like, "Hey God, why aren't you doing anything?" →

• Zephaniah

  Peter: Alrighty, let's talk about Zephaniah 1. So, this chapter is about God being really mad at the people of Judah. He's gonna come down and punish them for their wickedness and arrogance. Lois: Oh no, that's terrible! →

• Haggai

  Peter: Alright, what we got here is from Haggai 1. So, after the Israelites were exiled to Babylon, they come back to Jerusalem and they're all like, "Hey, let's rebuild the temple!" But then they got all lazy and they're like, "Eh, we'll do it tomorrow. →

• Zechariah

  Lois: Alright, let's start with Zechariah 1. Peter: Wait, I thought we were watching an episode of Family Guy. Lois: Peter, just listen. It says, "In the eighth month, in the second year of Darius, the word of the Lord came to Zechariah" →

• Malachi

  Peter: Alright, so this is Malachi 1. Basically, God is mad at the people of Judah and Israel because they're not giving their sacrifices to him with the right attitude. He's like, "You give me the scraps, but you don't put any effort into it!" →

• Matthew

  Peter: Alright, so the chapter starts off with a big ol' genealogy. Lots of names. Abraham, David, Solomon, and all them. Lois: Wow, that's a lot of names. Brian: Hey, I think I read somewhere that Jesus' DNA was tested and it actually matches with the DNA of King David. →

• Mark

  1-15 Peter: Alright, so this chapter is all about Jesus. Lois: Ah, so it's like The Passion of the Christ, but without all the violence. Brian: No, it's more like Jesus Christ Superstar with a dash of The Greatest Showman. →

• Luke

  Peter: Alright, so what's the Bible chapter this week? Lois: It's Luke 1. Peter: Ooh, Luke Skywalker! That's my favorite Star Wars character. Cleveland: So, what does this chapter say? Lois: Well, it starts off talking about a priest named Zechariah who is visited by an angel. →

• John

  Peter: Alright, so in John 1, we learn that Jesus was with God from the beginning, and that all things were made by him. All things were made through him and without him nothing was made. Lois: Wait, so he was like the original creator? →

• Acts

  Peter: Alright, so this is Acts 1. So we see Jesus ascend into Heaven, and then the 11 Apostles decide to replace Judas with Matthias. Stewie: Oh great, more religion. Can we get back to talking about the Kardashians? →

• Romans

  Peter: Alright, so this is Romans 1. It starts off with Paul introducing himself and talking about how he's a servant of Jesus. Lois: Like the singing group? Peter: No, not like The Servants of Jesus, Lois. →

• 1 Corinthians

  Peter: Alright everyone, let's get started on our summary of 1 Corinthians 1. Lois: Wait, what book of the Bible is that from? Peter: It's from the New Testament. Lois: Ah, got it. Cleveland: So, what's it about? →

• 2 Corinthians

  Peter: Alright, here we go. 2 Corinthians 1, the Bible chapter by chapter. Lois: Ooh, I love a good Corinthians. It's like a cross between a Crocodile Dundee and a Gremlin! Peter: Uh, yeah. Anyway, Paul writes to the church in Corinth about the hardships and suffering he has experienced. →

• Galatians

  Peter: Alright, so the book of Galatians begins with an introduction from Paul. He's basically saying, "Hey, what's up everyone, I'm Paul and I'm an apostle of Jesus Christ. Stewie: (interrupting) Uh, excuse me, what does apostle mean? →

• Ephesians

  Peter: Alright, let's see what we got here. Ephesians 1! (Sings) "Ephesians 1, it's time for the Bible show!" Lois: Peter, please be serious. Peter: Alright, alright. So, Ephesians 1 starts off with Paul talking about how blessed we are in Christ and thanking God for His will. →

• Philippians

  Peter: Alright, so Philippians 1! Lois: Yeah, it starts off with Paul thanking God for the Church in Philippi and expressing his joy that they have remained faithful. Quagmire: Uh, yeah, and then he talks about how he prays for them and asks them to work together to make progress in their faith. →

• Colossians

  Peter: Alright, time to summarise Colossians 1. So, it starts off with Paul introducing himself as an apostle of Jesus Christ. He's writing to the Colossians, and he's sending his greetings. Brian: Greetings from Paul. →

• 1 Thessalonians

  Peter: Alright, folks, it's Bible time. So, 1 Thessalonians 1 starts with Paul and Silas talking about how excited they are about the church in Thessalonica, and how hard they worked to spread the word of God. →

• 2 Thessalonians

  Peter: Alright, alright, our next chapter is from 2 Thessalonians, chapter 1. Lois: Ah, the classic sequel. Brian: Yeah, it's like Empire Strikes Back, but with more passages about God's wrath. Meg: What's it about? →

• 1 Timothy

  Peter: Alright, so let's see what we got here. 1 Timothy 1. Lois: Oh, this is gonna be a good one, I can tell. Stewie: I hope it involves a giant robot and explosions, explosions would be nice. Brian: Stewie, this is the Bible, there won't be any giant robots. →

• 2 Timothy

  Peter: Alright, so this chapter starts with Paul writing to Timothy and reminding him of his faith. Lois: Ah, no wonder they call it 2 Timothy! Brian: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's like the sequel to 1 Timothy. →

• Titus

  Peter: Alright, so this is Titus 1. It's about a guy named Titus who's an elder in the church and he's been given instructions about how to deal with false teachers. Lois: Oh wow, I didn't know false teachers were a thing. →

• Philemon

  Lois: "Well, according to Philemon 1, the apostle Paul is writing a letter to Philemon, a Christian leader in Colossae, to remind him of his Christian duty to forgive and accept a runaway slave named Onesimus. →

• Hebrews

  Peter: Alright, so this Bible chapter is Hebrews 1. Lois: It starts off by saying that God has spoken to us through his Son. Stewie: But before that, he spoke through the prophets. Brian: Yeah, but now the Son is the final word, like the last season of The Office. →

• James

  Peter: Alright, so James 1...It starts off with some advice about how to face trials and temptations. Basically, just accept it and don't grumble. Meg: Yeah, that makes sense. Grumbling doesn't do anything. →

• 1 Peter

  Peter: Alright, so this is 1 Peter 1. So, it starts off talking about how God chose us and made us His own people, which is pretty cool. But, uh, then it goes into how we should live our lives, like we should be holy and reverent and stuff. →

• 2 Peter

  Peter: Alright everyone, let's go over 2 Peter 1. Stewie: Ugh, this is so boring! When can we watch The Lion King? Peter: Stewie, this is important. 2 Peter 1 talks about how we should add virtue to our faith so that we can make our calling and election sure. →

• 1 John

  Peter: Alright everyone, let's talk about 1 John 1. Lois: Is it about John Stamos? Peter: No, it's not about John Stamos. Cleveland: Is it about John Travolta? Peter: No, it's not about John Travolta either. →

• 2 John

  Peter: Alright, so 2 John 1 starts off with the author introducing himself as "the Elder," and he's writing to a lady he calls "the elect lady and her children." Lois: Oh, that's sweet. Brian: Yeah, not as sweet as the time I saw Selena Gomez at the mall, but still pretty sweet. →

• 3 John

  Peter: Alright, 3 John 1... Let's see here, it's about a guy named Gaius, and how he's doing the Lord's work, and how much John loves him! Lois: Wow, that's so sweet! Kind of like when I make a big batch of my famous meatloaf for the family! →

• Jude

  Lois: Alright, so the book of Jude, chapter one. Peter: Ooh, that's the one with the dancing hot dogs! Lois: No, Peter, that was the book of Numbers. Peter: Well that explains why they were so good at counting. →

• Revelation

  Peter: Alright family, it's time for another chapter of the Bible. Let's check out Revelation 1. Lois: So what does it say? Peter: Well, it's all about Jesus appearing to John the Apostle in a vision. →