1-3 [Scene: Peter Griffin sitting at a table with his family and friends] Peter: Alright, so let's review the Bible Chapter by Chapter. First off, we got Numbers 1:1-3. Lois: Okay, so what does it say? →

Peter: All right, guys, let's get to the summary of Numbers 2. So, it's all about the arrangement of the Israelites in the wilderness. Brian: Wait a minute, you mean like how Taylor Swift arranges her songs for a concert? →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 3, God is like "Aaron, I'm makin' you the head priest and you're gonna be in charge of the tabernacle." And then He's like, "I'm also gonna have your sons be the priests, and they're gonna help you out. →

Peter: Alright, so, in Chapter 4 of Numbers, God tells Moses to take a census of the Levites between the ages of thirty and fifty. They're gonna be in charge of the Tabernacle, and they gotta take it down and carry it when it's time to move. →

Peter: Alright, so we're talking about Numbers 5 now. Uh, Lois, what did we learn? Lois: Well, Peter, in this chapter, we learn about how God instructed Moses to have the Israelites practice a ritual that would help expose any wife who had been unfaithful to her husband. →

Brian: Alright, so this chapter of the Bible is Numbers 6. It's all about the Nazirite vow. Stewie: What's a Nazirite vow? Brian: Well, it's a sacred vow that a person can take to live an especially holy life for a specific period of time. →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 7, the twelve tribes of Israel each bring offerings to the Lord. Lois: Wait, like, offerings of bread? Meg: No, Lois, they bring offerings of silver, gold, and other items. →

Peter: Alright, this is Numbers 8. So it starts off with the Lord telling Moses to make a lampstand out of pure gold and place it in the Tabernacle, so they can light the lamps on it each evening. [Lois walks in. →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers Chapter 9, God tells the Israelites to celebrate the Passover on the 14th day of the first month. Lois: So God's like, "Hey guys, don't forget the Passover, you know what I'm sayin'?" →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 10, we got God tellin' Moses to make two silver trumpets, to call the people together and to move out of camp. Then they got the order of march, and they got the whole camp of Israel movin' out. →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 11, the people of Israel are complaining about the hardships that they are facing and they want meat. So God gives them a ton of quail, but the people got sick of it and started complaining again. →

Peter: Alright, so let's see here. Numbers 12. Alright, so this one is about Miriam and Aaron, who are siblings of Moses, and they start getting all jealous and stuff of him 'cause he's the leader and all. →

Peter: Alrighty, this is Numbers 13. So, God tells Moses to send spies into the Promised Land. He sends 12 of 'em, and they check it out, and they come back and say, "Yeah, it's good, but it's filled with giants, and we're just a bunch of little dudes!" →

Peter: Alright, so Numbers 14. So, uh, the Israelites get mad at God and Moses and they decide to go back to Egypt, but God says no way, Jose. So, uh, He sends a plague of giant frogs, and then sends a bunch of other plagues. →

Lois: Alright, this is Numbers 15. So, Peter, what does it say? Peter: Uh, it says that the Lord spoke to Moses, saying that when the Israelites enter the Promised Land, they must offer peace offerings with bread made without yeast. →

Brian: Alright, so in Numbers 16, there's this dude named Korah who's challenging the leadership of Moses and Aaron. He's like, "Hey, why should you guys get to be in charge?" Cleveland: So Moses and Aaron are like, "Hey buddy, we're the chosen ones of God, so back off. →

Lois: Okay, so in Numbers 17, the Lord tells Moses to take twelve staffs and have the leaders of the twelve tribes of Israel write their names on them. Peter: Like a Hunger Games competition? Lois: I guess, it's a little different. →

Peter: Alright, so in this chapter, God tells Aaron that he and his sons are in charge of looking after the sanctuary and all the sacred stuff. Lois: And then God tells Aaron that he and his sons are gonna be responsible for taking offerings from the people of Israel, like grain, oil, and animal sacrifices. →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 19, we're talking about the laws of purification after being in contact with a dead body. Brian: Yeah, and it's a real bummer. I mean, why do we have to go through all this just to be clean again? →

[Peter Griffin] Alright, so in Numbers 20 Moses and the Israelites try to enter the Promised Land with no luck. They decide to ask the King of Edom for permission to pass through and he said "No way Jose!" [Brian Griffin] So they try again, this time sending messengers, but the King still said "No can do!" [Cleveland Brown] Then the Lord told Moses to take his staff and speak to a rock, and water would come from it. →

Lois: Alright, I've got the summary of Numbers 21. So, God told Moses to make a bronze snake and put it on a pole. That way, if anyone got bitten by a snake, they could look at the bronze snake and be healed. →

Peter (as narrator): Alright, here's the story of Numbers 22. So, it's a classic tale of a guy named Balaam and his talking donkey. Lois (interjecting): Wait, what? Peter: Yeah, I know, right? It's like something out of a Disney movie, like, you know, "The Little Mermaid 2: Return of the Donkeys". →

Peter: Alright, so, in Chapter 23 of Numbers, God sent Balam to curse the Israelites, but it didn't work and Balam ended up blessing them instead. So he was like, "How can I curse those whom God has not cursed? How can I denounce those whom the LORD has not denounced?" →

Peter: Alright, let's see what Numbers 24 is all about. So this is where Balaam, the prophet, is hanging out with King Balak, and they're looking down at the Israelites. Stewie: Just like that time Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes looked down on those poor Scientologists. →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 25, the Israelites were chillin' in Moab and got all buddy-buddy with the Moabites and started worshipping their gods. Lois: Wait, what? Peter: Yeah, it was totally whack, so God was like, "Uh-uh, no way, Jose!" and then he sent a plague to punish them. →

Peter: Well, this chapter is a doozy! So, uh, Numbers 26 is all about the Lord telling Moses to take a census of all the Israelites, and the population count is 603,550. Oh, and then the Lord wanted to assign the tribes their allotted land according to the census numbers. →

Peter: Alright, so in the book of Numbers it says, "Then came the daughters of Zelophehad, the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of Manasseh the son of Joseph: and these are the names of his daughters; Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah. →

Peter: "Alrighty, so this is the book of Numbers and Chapter 28. Basically, it's all about the Israelites making offerings to God. Basically, it's like when the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall and says, 'Oh yeah!' and everyone's like, 'Oh yeah!' So, they're offering up a whole bunch of bulls and lambs and doves and stuff. →

Peter Griffin: Alright, so here's the summary for Numbers 29. God tells Moses and Aaron to make a burnt offering and a sin offering on the first day of the seventh month, and then he tells them to do the same thing for the next seven days. →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 30, it's all about the vows. Vows, vows, vows. Like the time I vowed to never go to that new Chinese buffet. Lois: Peter, that was me who made that vow. Peter: Oh, right. →

Peter (as narrator): Alright, Family Guy viewers, here's the deal with Numbers 31. So, the Lord told Moses to take vengeance on the Midianites for all the trouble they had caused the Israelites. So, Moses sent out an army with 12,000 men, and told them to kill every Midianite man and boy. →

Peter: Alright, so this chapter is all about the tribes of Reuben and Gad. They were doing pretty well for themselves, livin' on the east side of the Jordan River, so they asked Moses if they could just stay there and not cross over with the rest of the Israelites. →

Lois: Alright, in Numbers 33, God told Moses to make a list of all the places the Israelites visited on their way out of Egypt. Peter: So it's kind of like a travelogue, right? Like that one episode of Friends where they all go to London and Joey gets left behind at the airport? →

Peter: Alright, so in Numbers 34, the Lord tells Moses to assign a leader from each of the 12 tribes of Israel to map out the borders of the Promised Land. Lois: Hey, like that time when they made a map of the United States on Family Feud and Steve Harvey was like, "Let's map it out!" →

Peter: Alright, so this is the story of Numbers 35. Basically, God told the Israelites to give the Levites some cities to live in, and then each of the other tribes would give them some of the surrounding land. →

Lois: So, what's going on in Numbers 36? Peter: Well, Lois, it's all about the daughters of Zelophehad. They wanted to make sure they received an inheritance, so they go to Moses to ask. Brian: Yeah, and Moses goes to the Lord to ask what the deal should be. →