Peter: Alright, so this is Acts 1. So we see Jesus ascend into Heaven, and then the 11 Apostles decide to replace Judas with Matthias. Stewie: Oh great, more religion. Can we get back to talking about the Kardashians? →

Peter: Alright, so in Act 2, we see the Holy Spirit descend on the disciples and the Apostles start preaching in different languages. Lois: Wait, so they just started speaking other languages? Bertram: Yeah, like that show "Taken". →

Peter: Alright, so in Acts 3, we got this lame dude who's been crippled for like, forever, and he's begging for money at the temple gate and everyone's like, 'What a loser!' Lois: Oh, Peter. Peter: But then Peter and John come up to him and they're like, 'Hey, buddy! We can fix that!' So they pray for him and he starts to walk! →

Peter: Alright, this chapter is all about a guy named Lazarus. Apparently, he was dead and Jesus brought him back to life! It was like a scene out of Weekend at Bernie's! Lois: Wow, that's amazing! So what happened after that? →

Peter: Alright, folks, so in Chapter 5 of Acts we got a real wild one. So, the high priest and his buddies are all like "oh no! the apostles are doing miracles and teaching the gospel, we gotta put a stop to this!" So they arrest 'em, but during the night an angel busts them out of jail. →

1-8. Lois: Alright, folks, let's get started! In Acts 6:1-8, the apostles had a problem. They needed to find some guys to serve tables and take care of the widows. Peter: Ah, yes, the old "appoint someone to take care of the widows" conundrum. →

Peter: Alright, so in Acts 7, Stephen is preaching to the Jews and they get all mad at him. He's like, "I see the heavens opened and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!" Lois: Wait, what? →

(Peter) Alright, so, in the Bible chapter Acts 8, Philip the evangelist is sent to Samaria to preach. The people are really receptive to his message and get baptized. (Lois) Wow, that's really cool. Did anything else happen? →

1-22. Peter: Alright, so in Acts 9, Saul is on the way to Damascus to persecute Christians and then BAM! He gets hit with a bright light from heaven, falls to the ground and hears a voice. Brian: Oh my God, it's like that time I got hit in the head with a meteorite, and then I had to go to the hospital. →

Peter: Alright, so in Acts 10, Peter has a vision that tells him to not call anything unclean that God has made clean. He then goes and visits Cornelius, a Gentile, and preaches the gospel to him and his household. →

Peter: Alright, so this chapter starts off with Peter telling the apostles and believers in Judea about his vision of unclean animals descending from the sky. Lois: Wait, what?! Peter: Yeah, it was pretty weird. →

Peter: Alright everyone, buckle up for the summary of Acts 12! So, King Herod, being a bit of a douchebag, had James, the brother of John, executed by the sword. But when he had Peter arrested, the church prayed earnestly for Peter's deliverance, and what do ya know - an angel of the Lord comes and busts Peter out of jail! →

Peter: Alright, so, in Acts 13 we got the story of Paul and Barnabas, two guys who were sent by the Holy Spirit on a mission trip to spread the good word. Lois: Wait, so the Holy Spirit was like, "Hey guys, go do this thing"? What a wild ride! →

Peter: Alright, so in this chapter, Paul and Barnabas go to Lystra and Derbe, and they preach the gospel there. Lois: Oh wow, that's so cool! Stewie: Oh, please, like that is more exciting than "The Fast and the Furious 7"! →

Peter: Alright, so Acts 15. You know, I'm getting a little tired of this whole Bible thing. Let's just focus on the main points, okay? So, uh, after some debates, the church decides that Gentiles don't need to be circumcised and follow the law of Moses. →

Peter: Alright, here we go. In Acts 16, Paul and Silas travel to the city of Philippi. Lois: Oh, like the movie? Peter: Yeah, yeah. They go to a place of prayer and meet a demon-possessed woman who was a fortune-teller. →

Peter: Alright, so in this chapter, Paul and Silas head to Thessalonica and preachin' the good word. Lois: Uh-huh, and then what? Brian: Well, some of the Jews were jealous and they started to riot, so Paul and Silas had to flee. →

Peter: Alright everyone, it's time to talk about Chapter 18 of Acts. So, Paul has left Athens and headed to Corinth, where he meets Aquila and Priscilla, who were recently evicted from Rome. Lois: Wait, wasn't there an episode of Sex and the City where they get evicted from their apartment? →

Peter: Alright, so in Acts 19, Paul is preaching in Ephesus and some of the people there get baptized. Then some of the Jews start to get jealous and stir up trouble. Lois: Is that why they start to make silver shrines of Artemis? →

Peter: Well, folks, it seems like we have finally arrived at Acts 20. In this chapter, Paul visits the elders of the church in Ephesus and warns them about false teachers who will try to lead people astray. →

Peter: Alright everyone, let's talk about Acts 21! Lois: Well, it starts off with Paul and his friends coming back from their missionary journey and finally arriving in Jerusalem. Brian: But their trip was not without trouble! Paul gets arrested and the Roman commander has to save him from a mob of angry Jews. →

Peter: Okay, so, in Acts 22 we find Paul all chained up and surrounded by a mob. He tells them he used to be a persecutor, but then he became a Christian, and he had a vision from God. Lois: Wait, I thought Paul was a Christian before he had the vision? →

Lois: So, what happened in Acts 23? Peter: Well, Lois, Paul was brought before the council and he defended his beliefs. He argued that he'd done nothing wrong and that he was being persecuted for his faith. →

Peter: Alright, let's see what Acts 24 has in store for us. Lois: Oh boy! I'm so excited! Brian: You do know that this is a book of the Bible, right? Lois: Yeah, yeah, I know. But I'm still excited! →

Scene: Peter, Lois and Meg are sitting in the living room, discussing the Bible. Peter: Alright, let's see here...Acts 25. That's the one where Paul is brought before King Agrippa and Festus. Lois: That's right. →

Lois: Alright, Acts 26. According to the Bible, this is when Paul is brought before King Agrippa and tells him his story. Peter: Yeah, but then Paul goes on a tangent about how he used to persecuting Christians and how he had a religious experience on the road to Damascus. →

Peter: Alright, here we go. In Acts 27, Paul and his followers set sail to Rome. Lois: Oh, like the movie? Peter: Yeah, but this is a lot more boring. Anyway, they get stuck in a storm and lose all of their supplies. →

Lois: So, what did ya learn about Acts 28? Peter: Well, Lois, it starts with Paul landing on the island of Malta. A bunch of people found him washed up on the shore. Stewie: (interrupting) Yeah, like Tom Hanks in Castaway! →