Peter: Alright, here's the deal. So, this one's from the Bible, 1 Samuel 1. So, it's like a long time ago, and there's this guy, Elkanah, and his wife Hannah. And they're not having any luck having a kid. →

Peter: Alright, so 1 Samuel 2. Let's see here. So, Elkanah and his family have gone to the Lord's temple at Shiloh and Elkanah is offering sacrifices. Lois: Can I get a sacrifice? Maybe some popcorn and a Diet Coke? →

Lois: "Hey Stewie, did you read 1 Samuel 3?" Stewie: "Eh, I'm more of a "Breaking Bad" guy, Lois. But I guess I can give it a shot. So, umm, let's see. It's about this old guy named Eli who was like a priest at a shrine or something. →

Peter Griffin: Alright, so 1 Samuel 4 starts off with the Israelites fighting against their enemies, the Philistines. But then the Philistines capture the Ark of the Covenant, which obviously causes a stir. →

Scene: Peter and Stewie are discussing 1 Samuel 5 Peter: So, 1 Samuel 5 is all about how the Philistines capture the Ark of the Covenant and bring it to their city of Ashdod. Stewie: Yeah, and then, uh, the Philistines put the Ark in the house of the god Dagon, and the next morning the statue of Dagon was lying face-down on the ground in front of the Ark! →

Peter: Alright, so 1 Samuel 6. Lois: This is the chapter where the Philistines seek out the Lord's help after the Ark of the Covenant has been in their possession for seven months, right? Peter: Yeah. After seven months of the Ark causing all sorts of trouble, they finally decided to get rid of it. →

Peter: Alright, so this chapter starts off with Samuel telling the people of Israel to put away their foreign gods, and to give their full allegiance to the Lord. Lois: Ooh, that's a pretty big ask! Meg: Yeah, like when I asked my parents for a car and they said no. →

Peter: Alright, so in 1 Samuel 8, the elders of Israel came to Samuel and said, "Hey, make us a king to judge us like all the other nations." Lois: But Samuel was like, "Hells no! God is our king!" →

Peter: Alright, so this is from 1 Samuel 9. Saul is looking for some donkeys and he sends his servants to look for them. Lois: Why don't they just use Google Maps? Peter: Ugh, Lois, seriously? Do you ever pay attention? Anyway, so they can't find the donkeys and they come across this prophet, Samuel, who tells them that the donkeys are already found. →

Peter: Alright, so this is 1 Samuel 10. Let's dive in! Lois: So, what happened? Peter: Well, the prophet Samuel took a flask of oil and poured it on Saul and anointed him as the first king of Israel. →

Peter: Alright everyone, let's get started! We're gonna be summarizing 1 Samuel 11. Stewie: Ugh, I'm bored already. Lois: No Stewie, this is important. In 1 Samuel 11, Saul led an army against the Ammonites and waged war against them. →

Peter: Alright, so 1 Samuel 12. Let's see...Samuel is giving a big old speech to the Israelites. He reminds them how he's been their leader since they were young, and how he's always looked out for them, yada yada. →

Peter: Alright, so this chapter of the Bible is about how Saul is out to get the Philistines, but he only has a small army and no blacksmiths to sharpen their swords, so he's a little bit worried. Brian: You know who else was worried? That guy from the "Purple People Eater" song. →

Peter: "Alright, so this is 1 Samuel 14. It starts out with Jonathan, Saul's son, telling the young man who was carrying his armor to go and see if there's anything wrong with the Philistines. He finds a honeycomb and eats some of it, and then Saul's troops come out of hiding and attack the Philistine garrison. →

Peter: Alright, so 1 Samuel 15 starts off with God telling Saul to attack the Amalekites and destroy everything, but Saul decides to just spare the king and some of the animals. Lois: Oh, so he's like one of those people who won't kill the spiders in their house? →

Peter: Alright, let's see what the Bible has for us this week. (Singing) Chapter one, verse one! Lois: Peter, please save the singing for church. Peter: Ugh, fine. 1 Samuel 16. So, God tells Samuel to go anoint a new king from the house of Jesse. →

Peter: Alright, for this chapter of the Bible we got 1 Samuel 17. So, Stewie, you wanna give us the lowdown? Stewie: *sighs* Well, Peter, it's about this dude, David, who volunteers to fight a giant named Goliath. →

Peter: Hey, Brian, have you heard about this chapter from 1 Samuel? Brian: Not really, what's it about? Peter: Well, it's about David and Jonathan becoming best friends. It starts out with Jonathan giving David his robe, armor, and sword, which is kind of like when I gave Joe my Iron Man figurine. →

Peter: So, uhh, what was 1 Samuel 19 all about? Brian: Well, it starts off with Saul trying to kill David again, only this time he sends his men to capture him. Stewie: Ah, I remember that episode. He sent out like a million guys, and they all failed! →

Peter: Alright, so in 1 Samuel 20, Jonathan and David make a covenant. Jonathan strips himself of the robe that he is wearing and gives it to David, along with his weapons, armor, and bow. Lois: Wow, that's like when I gave my husband my best pair of yoga pants and he just said "Nah, I'm good". →

Peter: Alright guys, this is 1 Samuel 21. So, David goes to the priest Ahimelech and asks for bread and a sword, but the priest only has this crazy ancient sword with a blade made out of a hunk of cheese. →

Peter: Alright, so 1 Samuel 22 starts off with David fleeing from King Saul and taking refuge in a cave. Lois: Wait, was that the same cave from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Brian: No, Lois, that's not what's important here. →

Peter: Alright everyone, here's the summary of 1 Samuel 23: Brian: So, basically, Saul was hunting for David, and he found out that David was in the town of Keilah. But, then David asked God if he should stay or leave, and God said he should leave, so he and his men left Keilah and went to the wilderness of Ziph. →

Peter: Alright, time for our Bible Summary! So what do we got for 1 Samuel 24? Lois: Well, David is still hiding out from Saul, and Saul is still trying to hunt him down. Brian: Bummer. Stewie: Indeed. →

Peter: Alright, so in 1 Samuel 25, there's this dude Nabal who's a rich guy but an ass. He's married to Abigail who's way smarter but Nabal doesn't appreciate her. Anyways, David's all like, "Hey Nabal, you gonna help us out?" and Nabal's all like, "No way, Jose". →

Peter: Alright, so 1 Samuel 26. It's about, uh, David and Saul again. Stewie: Oh, God, not this again. Brian: Hold on, this time David has Saul cornered in a cave and he's about to kill him! Peter: Wait, wait, don't forget about Abishai. →

Peter: Alright, so in 1 Samuel 27, David has to flee from Saul and he goes over to Philistine territory. Lois: So he's like a refugee? Peter: Yeah, but he's not exactly welcomed with open arms. The Philistines think he's a spy or somethin', so they tell him to go out and fight bears and lions as some sort of initiation. →

Peter: Okay, so in 1 Samuel 28, Saul was all like, "Dang, I'm in trouble cuz the Philistines are gon' come after me". So he goes to see the witch of Endor or whatever and is like, "Yo, can you talk to the dead for me?". →

Peter: Alright, here's your summary of 1 Samuel 29. So, David and his men are with the Philistines and the Philistine commanders are worried that David will join with Saul and the Israelites if there's a battle. →

[Peter] "So, um, 1 Samuel 30... That's... um... oh yeah, that's when David and his crew attack the Amalekites and rescue their wives and children. That's like when Stewie and Brian went to save Rupert from that evil toy-maker, you know? Except it was with swords and spears instead of a giant mech suit. →

Peter: Alright everyone, let's start off with 1 Samuel 31. So, uhhh, it starts off with this guy, Saul, and he's getting defeated in battle by the Philistines. Lois: Oh no! He's gonna have to call the Avengers for help! →