Peter: Alright, so the chapter starts off with a big ol' genealogy. Lots of names. Abraham, David, Solomon, and all them. Lois: Wow, that's a lot of names. Brian: Hey, I think I read somewhere that Jesus' DNA was tested and it actually matches with the DNA of King David. →

Peter: Alright, so in Matthew 2, we got the wise men coming to visit Jesus. Brian: Oh, I remember this story, it was so beautiful! Stewie: Yeah, it's a classic. They followed a star and brought gold, frankincense and myrrh. →

Peter: Alright, so what's this one? Lois: This is Matthew 3. Stewie: Oh, let me guess, it's about a guy named Matt and he's trying to find the three wise men? Lois: Actually, it's about John the Baptist who's calling people to repentance by preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. →

Peter: Alright, so let's see what we got here. Matthew 4. Ooh, this one's a good one. So Jesus is tempted by the devil three times, but each time he resists. Lois: Wow, that's pretty impressive. Brian: Yeah. →

[Peter Griffin:] Alright, so chapter 5 of Matthew is about the Beatitudes. It starts out with Jesus telling his followers to be blessed if they're poor in spirit, meek, merciful, pure of heart, peacemakers, and persecuted for righteousness. →

Peter: Alright, Matthew 6. So, Jesus teaches the disciples how to pray, right? Lois: Right. And he tells them not to do it to be seen by others or to just keep saying the same words over and over. Brian: Like that guy at the mall who just goes "Om, om, om" all day? →

<Peter Griffin> Alright, so in Matthew 7, Jesus is basically saying: "Don't judge people, guys. Seriously, it's like, if you point one finger at someone else, then there's three pointing back at you. Or, like, if you're gonna go looking for a speck in someone else's eye, you better make sure there's not a log in your own. →

Peter: Hey, guys! We've got a new chapter of the Bible to review. Let's see what Matthew 8 has to say. Brian: Alright, let's get to it. So, Jesus is out healing people and then he goes up to a mountain. →

Peter: Alright, so in Matthew 9, Jesus is chillin' in Capernaum and calls Matthew to follow him. Lois: Follow him where? Brian: He's gonna follow Jesus, Lois. Chris: Yeah, and then Jesus enters a house and has dinner with a bunch of tax collectors and sinners. →

Peter: Alright, so Matthew Chapter 10...uh...okay, so Jesus is sending out his disciples to preach the gospel and heal the sick. Lois: He's like a superhero! Stewie: What's a superhero? Brian: It's like a person who is super strong and can do amazing things. →

Lois: Alright, Meg, what did you learn about Matthew 11? Meg: Well, Mom, it starts off with John the Baptist sending his disciples to ask Jesus if he is the Messiah. Peter: Oh, you mean like that movie, The Matrix? →

Peter: Alright, so what's up with Matthew 12? Stewie: Well, it starts out with the Pharisees being mad at Jesus for healing a man on the Sabbath. They're like, "You can't do that!" Lois: But Jesus says it's okay, because He's Lord of the Sabbath. →

Peter: Alright, so in Matthew 13, Jesus tells a bunch of parables. Lois: Like what? Peter: Well, like the parable of the sower, the parable of the weeds, the parable of the mustard seed, and the parable of the hidden treasure. →

Peter: Okay, so Matthew 14. Jesus hears that John the Baptist has been killed, and he goes to a lonely place to pray. Oh, and then he feeds five thousand people with just two fish and five loaves of bread. →

Peter: Alright, so in Matthew 15, Jesus and his disciples had to deal with some Pharisees and scribes. Lois: Oh boy, here we go again. Brian: Yeah, when are these guys gonna learn that Jesus is always right? →

Peter: Alright, so in Matthew 16, Jesus asks his disciples who people think he is, and then he asks them who they think he is. Brian: He's the one and only. The chosen one. He's like a superhero, except he can turn water into wine. →

Peter: Alright, so this chapter starts off with Jesus taking Peter, James, and John up the mountain, and he's all like "Look, I'm gonna be transfigured" and they're all like "Woah, dude!" Lois: No way! →

Peter: Alright, in Matthew 18, Jesus is talking about how to deal with disputes among members of the Christian community. He says if someone sins against another, they should go to them privately and try to work it out. →

Brian: Alright, so Matthew 19. Yeah, this chapter is definitely a doozy. Peter: What happened? Brian: Well, it starts with Jesus talking to his disciples about marriage and divorce. He said it's only okay to divorce if your spouse is unfaithful. →

Peter: Alright, so Matthew Chapter 20. Things are getting wild! Well, Jesus told his disciples that the kingdom of heaven was like a landowner who hired workers to work in his vineyard. He paid them all the same, regardless of how long they had worked. →

(Peter Griffin): Alright, so in Matthew 21, Jesus enters Jerusalem to the cheers of a crowd of people. Then he goes to the temple and starts throwing out the money changers, calling them out for their hypocrisy. →

Peter: Alright guys, let's talk about Matthew 22. According to the Bible, Jesus is asked by the Pharisees what the greatest commandment is. Lois: And Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind!" →

Peter: Alright, so, this is the Bible chapter for Matthew 23. Okay. So, Brian: It's all about Jesus telling his followers not to be like the hypocrites of the Pharisees, right? Lois: Yeah, and he's criticizing their outward display of piety, but their inward motives aren't so pure. →

Peter: Alright, let’s get crackin’ on this Bible summary. So according to Matthew 24, Jesus is talking about the end of the world and all the signs of it. He said it’s gonna be a time of war, famine, and earthquakes. →

(Peter, speaking to the rest of the family) Okay, so in Matthew 25, Jesus tells a parable about three virgins who have lamps and oil. They all fall asleep and then the bridegroom shows up, and the ones who have enough oil for their lamps are allowed to enter the wedding banquet. →

Peter: Alright, so the chapter starts off with Jesus gathering the disciples to tell them about the betrayal. He gives them instructions to prepare for the Passover. Lois: Ugh, can you pass the potatoes? →

Brian: Alright, folks. We've made it to Matthew 27. Peter's out there denying Jesus three times, Jesus is betrayed by Judas and arrested, and now we find ourselves at the trial of Jesus. Lois: Hang on, the trial of Jesus? That's like a kangaroo court, right? →

Peter: Alright, what's the deal with Matthew 28? Lois: Well, Peter, it's all about Jesus's resurrection. After he rose from the dead, he appeared to his disciples in Galilee and gave them a mission: to go out and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. →