Well, this is one for the books - Matthew 1. In this chapter, we get a genealogy of Jesus through his father Joseph, all the way back to the big man himself, Abraham. Yeah, he's been dead for a while now, but you know, still an impressive lineage. →

Well folks, it's Matthew 2, and the story just keeps getting crazier. We've got wise men, a jealous king, and a whole lot of fleeing. So, three wise men show up out of nowhere, asking questions about the birth of this mysterious baby, and King Herod gets all jealous and paranoid. →

Well, it's Saturday night and I'd like to tell you about the Bible now. In Matthew 3, we got a guy named John the Baptist, who was out there baptizing people. He was like, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near!" But then he called out the Pharisees and Sadducees for not getting baptized, saying, "You snakes! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?" Then Jesus came to get baptized by John the Baptist, and John was all like, "No way, why do YOU need to be baptized?" And Jesus was like, "It's the right thing to do. →

Well, folks, it's time to recount the happenings of Matthew 4. So, Jesus goes to the wilderness and, of course, the devil shows up. He tries to tempt Jesus, but Jesus ain't havin' it. Three times, the devil tried to get Jesus to compromise, but each time Jesus just said, 'No, thanks. →

Hey there, Bible fans! It's me, Norm MacDonald with a summary of the book of Matthew, chapter 5. In this chapter, Jesus is teaching his disciples about being humble and forgiving. He says that if you're humble, you'll be blessed and if you forgive others, you'll be forgiven. →

Hey, so, uh, let's check out Matthew 6. It's all about how to pray. Jesus tells us not to be show-offs, and that we should pray in secret. He also says don't pray like a broken record or use fancy words, just say what's on your mind. →

Okay, so in Matthew 7, Jesus is getting his preach on. He’s telling folks not to judge other folks, which is a message that’s still relevant today. He also warns people against false prophets and talks about how to get into Heaven - which, let me tell ya, is through the narrow gate. →

Hey, it's me, Norm MacDonald and I'm here to give you the rundown on Matthew 8. Alright, so Jesus is really healing people left and right. He heals a leper, a paralytic and a bunch of other sick folks. Then he tells a bunch of his followers to follow him and they do. →

So, in Matthew 9, Jesus is really gettin' around. He's like, healing people, and then he's like, calling some dudes to be his disciples. It's like, "you guys, you wanna come hang with me? Sure, why not!" Then he's like, "you guys, you wanna do miracles? Sure, why not!" He's really just like, "yeah, sure, why not," to everyone. →

Alright, what do we have here? Matthew 10. It starts off with Jesus sending out his 12 disciples to preach and heal. Ya know, the usual. They have instructions to go to the lost sheep of Israel, but they can't take any extra baggage. →

Well, this week on Matthew 11, Jesus is doing what he does best: talking about himself. Apparently, he's been going around healing people and performing miracles, so he takes the opportunity to brag about it a bit and tell everyone how great he is. →

So, in Matthew 12, Jesus is hangin' with his buds, and some Pharisees come up to him, all like, "Hey Jesus, why are your buds doing work on the Sabbath?" And Jesus is like, "Well, it's actually okay to do work on the Sabbath if it's to save a life. →

Well folks, here's something to really chew on. In Matthew 13, Jesus is teaching the crowds in parables. He starts by talking about a farmer who scatters seeds on different soils. Some of the seeds are eaten by birds, some are attacked by thorns, and some are in good soil and bear fruit. →

Well, folks, it's been a wild ride in Matthew 14. We've got a king, a prophet, a miracle, and a whole bunch of walking on water. King Herod had John the Baptist beheaded, which was bad news for John, but great news for Herod's party guests. →

Well, folks, it's time to take a look at the latest chapter from the Bible. This week, we're in Matthew 15, and let me tell you, it's wild. So, Jesus is just chilling with some of his disciples and some Pharisees, when all of a sudden, the Pharisees start getting all up in Jesus' grill about the dietary laws. →

Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Norm MacDonald. So, this week in the Bible, in Matthew chapter 16, Jesus starts off by asking his disciples who people say he is. People were saying he was John the Baptist, Elijah, or one of the prophets. →

Hey, folks, I'm Norm MacDonald here with a special report about the Bible. We've got a real doozy this week: Matthew 17. The chapter opens with Jesus and his three disciples up on a mountain, where they get a glimpse of Jesus's true glory. →

Well, folks, it looks like things are getting serious in the Bible. In Chapter 18 of Matthew, Jesus is getting right down to business. He's teaching his disciples the importance of unity and humility. He says if someone sins against you, you should confront them directly. →

Hey, what's going on? So, uh, if you've been keeping up with the Bible, you'll know that we've just come to the end of the Matthew section. And, uh, in Chapter 19, Jesus is dealing with some marriage stuff. →

Well, folks, we've got a wild one this week in the Bible: Matthew 20. It's basically a parable about a landowner who hires some workers early in the day and then some more later. The workers he hired first think they're gonna get more money, but nope! Everyone gets the same amount, because that's how God rolls, I guess. →

Well, folks, it's been a wild ride in the book of Matthew, and this chapter is no exception. Jesus is back in Jerusalem, and he's doing some serious showboating. He enters the city on a donkey and the crowds are singing, waving palms, and shouting "Hosanna!" Then Jesus goes to the temple and starts flipping tables and driving out the merchants and money changers. →

Well, folks, in Matthew 22 Jesus is back with another parable. This time it's about a wedding feast, and guess who didn't show? That's right: the invited guests. Jesus says it's like people who don't accept God's invitation to Heaven - they don't even bother to RSVP. →

Well folks, I don't know about you but it looks like Jesus is still not a fan of the religious leaders of his day. In Matthew 23, he says they're hypocrites who preach one thing and practice another. He says they're trying to be seen by others as righteous but aren't actually living up to the standards they teach. →

Hey, folks, it's me, Norm MacDonald here. I'm gonna tell you all about Matthew 24. This is a real barnburner of a chapter. Jesus is predicting the end of the world and the beginning of the new age. He says there will be wars and famines, earthquakes and all sorts of other calamities. →

Well, if you're looking for a good time, skip the 25th chapter of the Book of Matthew. It's all about the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, and if Jesus shows up, it's not gonna be pretty. We're talking fire and brimstone, folks, and lots of it. →

Well, folks, it's time to catch up on some Bible news. In Matthew 26, we get to meet Judas Iscariot, who would become famously known as the betrayer of Jesus. He strikes a deal with the priests to hand Jesus over for 30 pieces of silver. →

Oh boy, it's time for Matthew 27! This chapter starts off with Judas Iscariot, the guy who totally betrayed Jesus, and how he feels guilty about it and kills himself. Then Pilate tries to let Jesus go but the crowd is like, "Nah, we want him crucified. →

Hey, it's me, Norm MacDonald, here with your summary of Matthew 28. So, Jesus, who had just risen from the dead, appears to his disciples and tells them to go and spread his word. He also tells them to baptise people in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. →