Hey, Genesis 1. Well, God decided to take a break from his busy schedule of hangin' out and decided to create something. So God created the heavens and the earth, and it was good. Then God decided to fill up the earth with all kinds of cool stuff like plants, animals, and people. →

In Genesis 2, God decides to take a break from all the world-building and stuff he's been doing, so he creates a dude named Adam. Adam's got nothing to do and no one to talk to, so God creates a woman named Eve and tells them to start doing the nasty. →

Well, this week in the Bible, things took a turn for the worse in Genesis 3. Adam and Eve were living it up in the Garden of Eden, but then the serpent came along and said, "Hey, why don't you eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge?" and before you know it, Adam and Eve ate the fruit, and God was like, "Whaaaat?! You guys!" So, God kicked them out of the Garden and cursed them, and everyone else, with the pain of life and labor. →

Well, folks, it's time to check in with our favorite family in the Bible: the kids of Adam and Eve. This week in Genesis 4, we got to catch up with Cain and Abel. Cain, the oldest, was a farmer and Abel, the youngest, was a shepherd. →

Well folks, this week in the Bible we’re looking at Genesis 5. This chapter is a real snoozer, just a list of the progeny of Adam and his sons. Adam had three sons, and they each had sons and those sons had sons…you get the idea. →

Well, folks, it's been a wild ride so far, and this chapter of the Bible is no exception. In Genesis 6, we find that the world has become so corrupt that God decides to wipe it out with a flood. But before He does, God decides to provide one man with a chance to survive: Noah. →

Well folks, it's time to dive into the seventh chapter of Genesis. This time around, God decides to show off his power by unleashing a flood that covers the entire Earth. He tells Noah to build an ark, which Noah does. →

Well, folks, it looks like we've made it to Genesis 8, and I'm sure you're wondering what's new in God's world. Well, let me tell you, it's been a wild ride. The flood is over, and Noah and his family have finally made it to dry land. →

Well, folks, here we are in Genesis 9, and boy does it get off to a wild start! Noah and his sons are leaving the ark, and God says to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth!" That's right, folks, God is essentially saying to Noah and his sons, "Hey, get out there and make babies!" Oh, and God also throws in the incentive of a rainbow, so they know He won't flood the earth again. →

So, it's Genesis 10, and you won't believe it, folks, but get this: it's all about a genealogy. Yup, that's right, a genealogy. It's the family tree of Noah's kids and their descendants. So in this chapter, we get to meet all of Noah's grandsons. →

Well, folks, this week on biblical update, we've got a real doozy for ya. We're in the book of Genesis, chapter 11, and boy, is it a wild one. So, here we go: a bunch of people are trying to build a tower that reaches the heavens, and God's not too keen on this, so He confuses their language and scatters them all over the land. →

Well, folks, it's been a wild ride so far, but God is still determined to make something of his people. In this chapter, God makes a covenant with Abram, telling him to leave his homeland and go to a place God will show him. →

Well, folks, we've got a lot going on in Genesis 13. First of all, Lot's back! Yeah, that's right, the same Lot we last saw in Genesis 12 when he decided to leave Abraham and go east. Well, it looks like he's done alright for himself, 'cause now he's got livestock and all kinds of stuff. →

Oh, hey there folks. This is Genesis 14, and you know what? It's a real doozy. We got some kings and armies and a lot of fighting going on. So, a bunch of kings get together and decide to fight against these two other kings. →

Hey, folks, it's Norm MacDonald here with the latest from the Bible. This week we've got the skinny on Genesis 15. In this chapter, God appears to Abram and tells him he will have a son, even though his wife Sarai is past the age of childbearing. →

Hey, folks, this is Norm MacDonald and I'm here to talk about Genesis 16. So, it's a story about a slave-girl named Hagar, who's owned by a guy named Abram. It's not a great situation, but Abram's wife Sarai wasn't able to have children, so they decided to make a deal with Hagar. →

So in Genesis 17, we find God visiting Abraham and he's got a deal for him. Abraham gets to change his name to Abraham, and then he and his wife Sarah get to have a son. The catch? They have to be circumcised. →

Hey, folks, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is your Bible Update. So, in Genesis 18, we've got God and two angels visiting Abraham. The angels tell Abraham that Sarah will have a baby, despite her being very old and beyond the age of childbearing. →

Alright, moving on to Genesis 19. So two angels head to Sodom to check out reports of wickedness and corruption. When they get there, they meet Lot and he invites them in. Later, the townspeople demand Lot release the angels so they can have their wicked way with them. →

Good evening everyone. This is Norm MacDonald here with the summary of Genesis 20. Lot, Abraham's nephew, has set up shop in the city of Gerar. The king of Gerar, Abimelech, has taken Lot's wife as his own, but God tells Abimelech in a dream that Lot's wife is actually his wife's sister. →

All right, folks, in today’s chapter of Genesis, the Lord kept his promise and he gave Sarah a son – and y’all won’t believe the name he gave him. Abraham, who’s like, a hundred years old at this point, named his son Isaac, which is Hebrew for “LOL, why did I name him that?” Meanwhile, Hagar and Ishmael, Sarah’s handmaid and her son, were sent away. →

Well, folks, it's a wild one: Abraham is asked by God to sacrifice his son Isaac, which is a real bummer for all involved. But, in the end, it's a false alarm - it was just a test of Abraham's loyalty, and God ultimately provides a ram for the sacrifice. →

[In a deadpan voice] In Genesis 23, we get more mourning, as Abraham mourns his wife Sarah's death. He finds a plot of land to buy from the Hittites, but then haggles with them for a better price. In the end, he ends up paying full price for the land, because that's just the kind of guy he was. →

Hey all, Norm MacDonald here with the latest news from the Bible. In Genesis 24, Abraham's servant goes to find a wife for Isaac. He finds Rebekah and brings her back, and then they have a big party. Everyone is happy, and Abraham gives Rebekah a bunch of presents. →

Well, it's been a wild ride so far in the Bible and tonight we take a look at Genesis 25. Jacob, who you may remember from previous chapters as the son of Isaac, has been on a bit of a journey. He had to leave his home in search of a wife and now he's back. →

Alright, folks! It's time for the summary of Genesis 26. Our protagonist, Isaac, is on the run from famine, so he goes to a place called Gerar. He tells the locals that Rebekah is his sister, because he's afraid they're gonna kill him for being so darn handsome. →

Well, folks, it’s time for the latest chapter of the Bible, and boy, it’s a doozy! Genesis 27 starts with Isaac getting old and blind and deciding to give his blessing to his son Esau, the hunter. But he doesn’t know that his other son, Jacob, has been plotting with his mother, Rebekah, to steal the blessing and give it to Jacob instead. →

So, Genesis 28: Jacob gets a vision from God to go to Bethel. He sets off for Bethel, but on the way he stops at a place called Luz, and decides to spend the night there. So he grabs a rock, puts it under his head, and falls asleep. →

"Well, we've reached Genesis 29, and boy, does this one have a lot going on. Jacob is still on the run, and he's arrived in a place called Haran. There, he meets a lovely young woman at a well, and it's love at first sight. →

Well, folks, we've reached Chapter 30 of the Bible and it's a wild one! Jacob is apparently so desperate for children that he strikes a deal with his father-in-law, Laban, to get some. He says, "If you give me some of your sheep, I'll work for you for seven years, and then you'll give me your daughters Rachel and Leah as wives. →

Well, folks, it's been quite a journey so far, and if you're just joining us, here's a quick recap of what's been going on in Genesis 31. Jacob has been working for his father-in-law Laban for twenty years and finally decides it's time for him to leave and return home. →

Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Norm MacDonald. In Genesis 32, Jacob is up to his old tricks again, this time trying to appease a certain angelic being. He sends presents to Esau, his brother whom he had previously cheated out of his birthright, and then spends the night wrestling with the angel. →

So, in Genesis 33, we meet up with ol' Jacob, who is heading back to his home after a long exile. He's got all of his family, and all his possessions, and is ready to face his brother Esau. But when he sees him, he falls on his neck and they both weep! They make up, and Esau invites Jacob to come stay with him, but Jacob is like, "No thanks, I'm good. →

Good evening, folks, it's time for the Bible summary. This week we're covering Genesis 34. Now, here's a chapter that has it all: murder, deceit, rape, and sibling rivalry. It's like a Shakespearean tragedy, only with a bunch of shepherds instead of kings. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Weekend Update. In Genesis 35, God tells Jacob to return to Bethel and make an offering. So Jacob sets up a pillar of stones and names the place Bethel. Then he and his family travel to Ephrath, where Rachel dies in childbirth. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Weekend Update. Well, folks, it's time for the Bible Summary. This week, we're taking a look at the 36th chapter of Genesis. So, here we go. This chapter is all about Esau and his descendants. →

Well, folks, in Genesis 37, we meet Jacob's favorite son, Joseph. He's the one with the fancy coat, and his father's favorite. So naturally, his brothers are jealous and decide to throw him in a pit, then sell him off to some traders from Midian. →

Well, folks, looks like we've got some drama going down in chapter 38 of the Bible. Judah has been busy livin' it up and he's decided to marry a woman named Tamar. But then his first son from Tamar dies, so he figures he'll have his second son marry her. →

Hey, folks, it's Norm MacDonald here for a look at the book of Genesis. This week, we've got a chapter about a dude named Joseph, who, uh, is sold into slavery in Egypt by his brothers. But, hey, it all works out for him, because he ends up managing the household of a powerful official. →

Well, I guess it's time for the world's oldest reality show: Genesis! This week on Genesis, we've got a juicy double whammy. In chapter 40, we've got a bakery worker and a royal vintner. Both of them get thrown in the clink, but Joseph intervenes and interprets their dreams. →

Welcome back to Weekend Update, I'm Norm MacDonald. Now let's take a look at the Bible, specifically Genesis 41. In this chapter, Pharaoh has dreams and can't figure out what they mean. So he goes to the priests, who tell him to call in the dream interpreter Joseph. →

Well, folks, it's time for another chapter of the Bible. In Genesis 42, Joseph's brothers show up in Egypt looking for food. Joseph recognizes them, but they don't recognize him. Joseph keeps the truth from them, and has them thrown in prison for three days. →

Well, folks, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for our ‘heroes’ in Genesis, they go and do something really stupid. Jacob’s sons decide to go back to Egypt to get some more food, even though their brother Joseph is the ruler there, and they don’t know how he’s going to react. →

Alright, so in Genesis 44, Joseph's brothers are about to leave Egypt, but Joseph has this crazy plan to keep one of them there as collateral, so he plants his silver cup in one of their sacks and then accuses them of stealing it. →

Hey, folks, it's me, Norm Macdonald, back with another chapter of the Bible. This week, we're looking at Genesis 45. Now, this chapter is all about Joseph, the one with the coat of many colors. As you know, his brothers had sold him into slavery, and now he's a big deal in Egypt. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here for Weekend Update - and boy, do I have something for ya. In Genesis 46, we learn that Jacob and his family travel to Egypt. Jacob meets with Pharaoh and Pharaoh is pretty psyched. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Weekend Update with a summary of Genesis 47. So, it turns out Joseph had been a little busy during his time in Egypt. He's been administering the corn tax, and the Egyptians have been giving him their land and livestock in exchange for food. →

Yeah, so, in Genesis 48, things take a turn for the weird. We got Jacob blessing his grandsons, Ephraim and Manasseh, but he puts his right hand on the younger one, Ephraim, which is kinda weird and a big deal. →

Well folks, Genesis 49 has Jacob, who is also known as Israel, giving his blessing to each of his twelve sons. It's a long one, so here's the gist of it: Reuben, the eldest son, is cursed because of his sexual misconduct. →

Well, folks, it's the end of a long road for Joseph. After going through all kinds of ups and downs, the patriarch of his family died at the ripe old age of 110. His brothers were scared they were gonna get in trouble for selling him into slavery, but Joseph reassured them that it was all part of God's plan. →