So, 2 Samuel 1. The long and short of it is, David finds out that Saul and Jonathan have been killed in battle, and he's pretty bummed about it. He laments their demise, and then he's like, 'Ok, back to business'. →

Hey, folks, it’s me, Norm MacDonald with another chapter of the Bible. We’ve got 2 Samuel 2, and it’s a real doozy. So let me get you up to speed: David is king now and he’s trying to consolidate his power by setting up his son, Absalom, as the next king. →

Hey folks, it's me, Norm MacDonald here, and I'm here to give you all the lowdown on the latest episode of the Bible. In this week's installment, 2 Samuel 3, we've got a real doozy of a story. So buckle up, cause this one's a wild ride! So here's what's going happened: basically, there's a whole lot of internal drama between the house of Saul and the house of David. →

Well, folks, this week in the Bible, things get a little hairy in 2 Samuel 4. After the death of Saul and Jonathan, David's leadership of Israel is challenged by a man named Ishbosheth, the son of Saul's concubine. →

Well, it's been another exciting chapter of the Bible, folks. This time in 2 Samuel, we've got the Israelites crowning David as their king, and then they go to war with the Philistines. Long story short, the Philistines got their butts kicked and David was the big hero. →

Well, folks, it's time to dig into 2 Samuel 6. So, King David finally gets his hands on the Ark of the Covenant and he's feeling pretty good about himself, right? He's having a big ol' parade with the Ark and he's dancing around like a crazy man. →

"Well, well, well, what do we have here? In 2 Samuel 7, we find out that God is a people pleaser! He's so pleased with King David that he promises to give him a dynasty that will last forever. But wait - there's a catch! David's son, Solomon, will be the one to inherit the throne, not David himself. →

So, in 2 Samuel 8: David is really flexin' his king muscles and doing what kings do best - making other kings pay. He goes to war with two of them and ends up winning big time. He takes all their stuff and adds it to his own, giving Israel a big boost. →

All right, folks, let's take a look at 2 Samuel 9, where we finally get to see some fam-damily reunited. King David's searchin' for any surviving relatives of his late pal, Jonathan, and luckily he finds a distant cousin named Mephibosheth. →

In 2 Samuel 10, the King of Ammon dies and is replaced by his son, who then sends a message to King David asking for peace and friendship. David, being the dutiful king and diplomat, sends an envoy to Ammon to negotiate in good faith. →

Well, folks, it's been another wild week in the Bible! This time, in 2 Samuel 11, we have a real doozy. This chapter starts off with David, King of Israel, taking a break from his royal duties. Instead of sitting on his throne, he's wandering around on his roof, and you can guess what happens next. →

In 2 Samuel 12, King David is visited by Nathan the prophet, who tells him about a wealthy man with many sheep who takes the only lamb of a poor man to feed a traveler. David, always one to make the right call, is outraged and demands that the wealthy man be punished. →

"On the latest episode of 'What in the Bible?!', the drama has finally hit its peak in 2 Samuel 13. It all starts with Amnon, the eldest son of King David, who develops an unhealthy obsession with his half-sister, Tamar. →

So, 2 Samuel 14. We got a pretty wild story here. King David's son Absalom is tryin' to get back into his father's good graces after he ran away after killing his brother Amnon. So Absalom's got a plan to get back in David's good books: he sends a woman to David to tell him a story about a man whose sons killed each other and the father doesn't know what to do about it. →

Norm MacDonald here with the summary of 2 Samuel 15. So, King David is on the run from his son Absalom, who is trying to overthrow the throne. David decides to take his loyal followers across the Jordan River and leave Jerusalem, as he believes this is the only thing that will save him. →

So, in 2 Samuel 16, David is on the run, and he's not alone — he's got a crew of his own, including a guy named Shimei, who's throwing some serious shade at the king. David is like, 'whatever, dude', but then Absalom, David's own son, shows up and starts talking some serious trash. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald, and here's the Bible Update. In 2 Samuel 17, David's son Absalom is trying to take the throne away from him. So Ahithophel, one of David's trusted advisors, comes up with a plan to have Absalom's army attack David's forces while he is away. →

Alright, folks, here's the latest from 2 Samuel 18. David's son, Absalom, has been leading a revolt against his father, and he's getting ready to take on David's army in battle. David's army is led by Joab, and he's chosen some of his best men to go and fight Absalom. →

Alright, so 2 Samuel 19. David's been exiled and things weren't looking so good for him. But it looks like the people of Israel still have some love for the old guy. They all come out to show their support and help get him back on the throne. →

So, in 2 Samuel 20, we meet Sheba the Benjamite. He's causing all kinds of trouble, trying to incite a rebellion against King David. Sure, his heart is in the right place, but his methods are a little suspect. →

Alright, folks, buckle up, because this chapter of 2 Samuel is an absolute wild ride. We start off with a famine, which is never a good sign, and somehow it's all because of a past king who made a vow to the Lord. →

"Welcome back to Weekend Update, I'm Norm MacDonald. Let's head to the Bible for a chapter summary. In 2 Samuel 22, we find out that King David is giving thanks to God for delivering him from all his enemies. →

Norm: Alright, alright, alright. Let's get to it. 2 Samuel 23. As we all know, this is the last chapter of the book. And it's about, like, a whole bunch of guys. The mighty men of David. So we've got Shammah the Harodite and Elika the Harodite and Helez the Paltite and Ira the son of Ikkesh the Tekoite and Abiezer the Anathothite and Sibbecai the Hushathite and Ilai the Ahohite and Maharee the Netophathite and Heled the son of Baanah the Netophathite and Ithai the son of Ribai of Gibeah of the Benjaminites and Benaiah the Pirathonite and Hiddai of the brooks of Gaash and Abi-albon the Arbathite and Azmaveth the Barhumite and Eliahba the Shaalbonite and the sons of Hashem the Gizonite and Jonathan the son of Shagee the Hararite and Ahiam the son of Sachar the Hararite and Eliphal the son of Ur and Hepher the Mecherathite and Ahijah the Pelonite and Hezro the Carmelite and Naarai the son of Ezbai and Joel the brother of Nathan and Mibhar the son of Haggeri and Zelek the Ammonite and Naharai the Beerothite the armor-bearer of Joab the son of Zeruiah and Ira the Ithrite and Gareb the Ithrite and Uriah the Hittite. →

"Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald with the Bible Update. In 2 Samuel 24, David has an urge to count the people of Israel, which God is not pleased with. So God sends a plague on the land, killing 70,000 people. →