"Listen up, ya maggots: 2 Samuel 1 tells the story of a man named David, who has just heard that Saul and Jonathan, two of his good friends, have died in battle. David is sad, so he writes a song about it. →

Listen up! 2 Samuel 2 starts off with an old man named Abner making a deal with the house of Saul that he is going to make Ishbosheth the king of Israel. Abner puts him on the throne in Hebron, and Ishbosheth rules over Israel for two years. →

Listen up, recruits! 2 Samuel 3 is all about war. King David has two sons, Amnon and Absalom, and it starts with Amnon raping his half-sister Tamar. Then Absalom plots revenge and kills Amnon, so he has to flee the kingdom. →

Listen up, you grunts! 2 Samuel 4 is the story of how the son of Saul, Ish-Bosheth, was murdered by two of his own men. They killed him and took his head to David, the King of Judah, in an effort to curry favor with him. →

Listen up, recruits! Chapter 5 of 2 Samuel is all about how David became king of Israel. After the death of Saul, all the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron and declared him king. Under David, the kingdom was united, and he reigned for seven and a half years in Hebron. →

Listen up, maggots! This is 2 Samuel 6, and it's all about King David and his plan to bring the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem. He gathers up 30,000 of his best men, and sets off to retrieve the Ark from the house of Abinadab. →

ATTENTION! Listen up! 2 Samuel 7 ... King David was living in a house of cedar, but the Lord told him he was "not to build a house for [His] name." Instead, God told David that his son would be the one to build the temple. →

Atten-tion! Listen up, maggots! This is Chapter 8 of 2 Samuel. King David conquers his enemies and strengthens his kingdom. He defeats the Philistines and captures many of their cities. He defeats the Moabites and Edomites, and wins back the land that belonged to Israel. →

"LISTEN UP, RECRUITS! This is 2 Samuel 9! King David shows kindness to a man named Mephibosheth, who is the son of Jonathan, David's best friend! Even though Mephibosheth is disabled, David still shows him favor and gives him a place of honor at the King's table. →

Ya hear me? 2 Samuel 10! It's about the war between David and the Ammonites. First, David sends a message of peace to the Ammonites, offering to pay for their losses in the war, but they refuse. So David sends his army to fight the Ammonites and their allies, the Syrians. →

ATTENTION! Listen up! 2 Samuel 11 is all 'bout King David messin' up. He sees a beautiful woman named Bathsheba, and instead of turning away, he has her brought to him, and they sleep together. Bathsheba gets pregnant and David tries to cover his tracks by having her husband, Uriah, sent to the front lines of the battle, where he dies. →

ATTENTION! Listen up recruits! This is 2 Samuel 12 and you better pay attention because it's an important one. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband, Uriah, killed in battle. God was mad and sent the prophet Nathan to confront David. →

"LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! 2 SAMUEL CHAPTER 13 IS ALL ABOUT AMNON, SON OF KING DAVID. HE'S A SICK PUPPY, PRETTY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIS HALF-SISTER TAMAR. SO, HE COOKS UP A PLAN WITH HIS COUSIN JONADAB TO GET TAMAR ALONE, THEN RAPES HER. →

ALRIGHT SOLDIERS, LISTEN UP! 2 SAMUEL 14: So King David was really upset at his son Absalom for killing his brother Amnon. Absalom fled from Jerusalem, and David was really torn up about it. Then Joab, the commander of David's army, decides he's gonna help. →

Listen up! This is 2 Samuel 15! It's a sad time in Israel. King David's son Absalom has taken over the kingdom, and David has to flee from Jerusalem. David's servants and supporters follow him, even though it means leaving their families behind. →

Alright, listen up and listen good! This is 2 Samuel 16. So, King David's been betrayed by his son Absalom and is running away from Jerusalem. David's got his loyal troops with him, but they run into a bunch of unhelpful people who badmouth him. →

"Listen up, recruits! Chapter 17 of 2 Samuel is all about Ahithophel's betrayal of King David and his plans to have Absalom overthrow David and take over the kingdom. Ahithophel gives Absalom some bad advice but Hushai the Archite is able to turn Absalom away from it. →

Listen up maggots! Chapter 18 of 2 Samuel is all about David's son, Absalom. He's trying to take the throne from his father by gathering up troops of his own. David's man, Joab, hears about this and sets up a battle between the two. →

Ya'll listen up! In 2 Samuel 19, David is reunited with his people and they make their way back to Jerusalem. An argument breaks out in the camp between those loyal to David and those loyal to Absalom. David's friend, Barzillai, provides food and supplies to the camp, and David rewards him by letting him stay in Jerusalem. →

"Listen up, recruits! Chapter 20 of 2 Samuel is all about a fight between a few men. One of them is Sheba, who's trying to start a rebellion against King David. He goes around, gathering followers and trying to turn everyone against David. →

"LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! Chapter 21 of 2 Samuel is about a famine that lasted three years. King David asked God why this was happening and God told him it was because of Saul and his bloodline. So, David took seven descendants of Saul and gave them over to the Gibeonites so they could be punished. →

Alright, listen up you sorry bunch of maggots! Chapter 2 Samuel 22 is all about David giving praise to the Lord! He's singing His praises and giving Him glory for all of the incredible things that He's done. →

Listen up troops! Chapter two of two Samuel is about the end of King David's reign. This chapter is where he makes his final speech before he dies. David talks about the mighty men that served him, and he praises them for their bravery and loyalty. →

Listen up, maggots! 2 Samuel 24 starts with a big problem: God gets really mad at Israel and sends a plague against them. So King David decides to take a census of all the people in Israel, which is a big no-no in God's eyes. →