Listen up, soldiers! This is Deuteronomy 1. This chapter talks about how Moses was leading the Israelites to the Promised Land, after having been on a 40-year journey. God told Moses to appoint wise and understanding leaders from each of the twelve tribes to help him lead the people. →

Listen up, you maggots! This is Deuteronomy 2. In this chapter, the Lord tells Moses to march the Israelites out of the desert of Zin and travel to the Red Sea. He tells them to avoid the territory of Edom, which is to the south, as they march. →

Listen up, recruits! This is Deuteronomy 3. Moses is giving instructions to the Israelites before they cross the Jordan River and take the land of Canaan. He reminds them of their victories over Og, the King of Bashan, and Sihon, the King of the Amorites. →

ATTENTION! Listen up! Deuteronomy 4 is about God giving Moses the laws and commandments for the Israelites to follow. God commanded Moses to teach the laws to the people, so they would know how to live their lives in a way that pleases him. →

LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! THIS IS DEUTERONOMY 5! YA BETTER LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD! HERE'S THE QUICK RUNDOWN: GOD IS GIVING YOU THE 10 COMMANDMENTS. HE'S TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, WHAT NOT TO DO, AND WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP TO HAVE WITH HIM. →

LISTEN UP, SOLDIERS! Deuteronomy Chapter 6: Y'all better learn this quick and learn it good. This is the first commandment. Y'all gotta love the Lord your God, with all your heart and soul and strength. →

LISTEN UP, RECRUITS! Deuteronomy 7 is basically God saying 'I got this. I'm gonna protect you from all sorts of threats, so don't be afraid. Ya hear? Here's whatcha need to know: When you enter the land I'm givin' you, don't hang around with the other tribes and their idols. →

"Alright, listen up, you maggots! This is Deuteronomy 8 and it's all about the Israelites. Here's the deal: God brought the Israelites out of Egypt and into the promised land, and He gave them a ton of rules to follow, like the Ten Commandments. →

ATTENTION! Deuteronomy 9, here we go: Moses tells the Israelites that it ain't their righteousness that got them here, but the LORD's. He reminds them of how God miraculously brought them out of Egypt with signs and wonders, and how their enemies were destroyed. →

Listen up, troops! Deuteronomy 10 is all about being obedient to God and not worshipping other gods. Moses tells the Israelites to forget about their idols and to stop worshiping other gods, and to instead look to God for their salvation. →

Listen up ya bootlickers! This is Deuteronomy 11, and you better get it straight! This chapter is all about the commands of God and how you better pay attention to them. You want to be blessed, don't ya? Well then, obey what God tells ya! He's gonna give ya great land if you do, but if you don't, you'll be cursed! So even though you might be tempted to disobey, don't do it! God is gonna give ya the land of Canaan if you obey and stay true to Him. →

Listen up, Maggots! You got Deuteronomy 12, so pay close attention! You need to destroy all of the places of worship that other gods have been worshipped, because YAHWEH is the only one! Don't go worshipping elsewhere or you're gonna be in BIG trouble! When you come to the Promised Land, YAHWEH's gonna give you the green light to slaughter all the animals for sacrifice, but remember, you can only do it there, so don't go doing it elsewhere. →

Listen up, troops! This is Deuteronomy 13. Any of you heard of false prophets? Well, there's gonna be a lot of 'em out there, tryin' to lead you astray. Don't listen to 'em! Don't follow their advice, don't pay any attention to their dreams or visions. →

Hear me recruits! Listen up! This is Deuteronomy 14. It's all about how you can make sure you are honoring God. Ye shall not eat any abominable thing. What's that you say? Abominable means disgusting. So don't be munching on any nasty stuff. →

ATTENTION! LISTEN UP, SOLDIERS! THIS AIN'T NO TIME FOR DAYDREAMIN'! We got a full chapter of Deuteronomy to cover! Chapter 15! Deuteronomy 15 is all about financial generosity. PAY ATTENTION! You're supposed to lend money to those who need it, and you're not supposed to charge any interest. →

Listen up, maggots! This here is Deuteronomy 16! In this chapter, the Lord is giving his people instructions about the three festivals they must attend: the Passover, the Festival of Weeks, and the Festival of Shelters. →

Listen up, maggots! Chapter seventeen of Deuteronomy is all about laws and regulations. It starts off by saying that if any of you punks ever want to establish a king over the Israelites, you MUST get permission from the Lord. →

Listen up, maggots! You wanna know about Deuteronomy 18? Well, here it is: God says that he's gonna provide for you a prophet like Moses, so you'd better listen up when he talks. The prophet will be from among your people, so don't go lookin' for no foreigners to do your prophetin'. →

"Listen up, privates! This is Deuteronomy 19! It's all about forming cities of refuge. What's a city of refuge? It's a place of safety for someone who accidentally kills another person. If you accidentally kill someone, run to one of these cities and you won't be harmed. →

Listen up, troops! Deuteronomy 20 starts with God telling the Israelites that when they go to war, they should appoint priests to come before them and speak to them about their mission. The priests should remind them that they don't have to be afraid because God is with them. →

Listen up, maggots! You better pay attention and learn what this here Bible chapter is all about! This chapter is about Deuteronomy 21 and it's all about justice. If y'all come across a body in the middle of nowhere, there are special rules for how you handle it. →

Listen up, recruits! This here is Deuteronomy 22, the rules and regulations for y'all to live by. First off, don't mix up your livestock - don't yoke an ox and a donkey together. Keep your clothing gender-specific, no cross-dressing! If you find something lost, you better return it. →

Attention! Listen up, because this is important. Deuteronomy 23 is all about rules and regulations. No Ammonites or Moabites are allowed in the assembly of the Lord. No one born of an illegitimate union is allowed in either. →

"LISTEN UP, SOLDIERS! Deuteronomy 24 is all about the laws of Moses. If a man divorces his wife, he must give her a written statement that ends their marriage. If she remarries, her first husband cannot take her back. →

"Listen up, newbies! In Deuteronomy 25, God is layin' down the law. He says that if there's a dispute and one guy wins, the loser shouldn't be allowed to take revenge. He also says that if a man dies without children, his brother should marry the widow and have a child with her, so that the dead man's name won't be lost forever. →

Ya'll listen up! Deuteronomy 26 is all about the Israelites entering the Promised Land, and the Lord's commands for them to follow. First, when you enter the Promised Land, you gotta give the Lord the first fruits of all your crops. →

Hey, LISTEN UP! This is Deuteronomy 27. You better pay attention, cause it's important. So here's what's happening. Moses is leading the people of Israel to the Promised Land. He's telling them to build an altar of stones and write the law of God on them. →

Listen up, soldiers! Deuteronomy 28 is all about blessings and curses. God promises that if you obey Him, then He will bless you with good everything - health, wealth, food, water, and success. But, if you disobey Him, then He will curse you with sickness, poverty, hunger, thirst, and failure. →

"Listen up, recruits! Deuteronomy 29 is all about making a covenant with God. Moses gathered all the people of Israel together and told them that they were entering into a special agreement with God—they would follow his laws and he would take care of them. →

"Listen up, recruits! This is Deuteronomy 30. You better pay attention, 'cause this is important. God's gonna give you a choice: life or death. Obey His commands and you'll get life, prosperity, and a long life; disobey, and you'll get the opposite. →

Listen up, maggots! Deuteronomy 31 starts off with Moses tellin' everyone that he's gonna die soon and urging 'em to keep on livin' by the Lord's commands. Then the Lord says that He's gonna bring the Israelites into the Promised Land, but they gotta stay faithful to Him. →

ATTENTION SOLDIERS, THIS IS DEUTERONOMY 32! LISTEN UP! God is reminding Israel of his great power and his faithfulness. He created Israel and protected them from their enemies. He has provided them with food and water, and they should never forget that. →

"LISTEN UP RECRUITS! Deuteronomy 33 is all about Moses blessing the tribes of Israel. He blesses each one specifically, reminding them of their roles and responsibilities. He praises the Lord, who makes them strong and gives them victory over their enemies. →

"Git yer ears on! Listen up! Chapter 34 of Deuteronomy is the last chapter of the book. It tells us that Moses, the leader of the Israelites, died and was buried on the mountain. It says that no one has ever seen God's glory like Moses did. →