So, in Deuteronomy 1, we got Moses recounting the stories of the Israelites' 40 year journey in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt. Man, 40 years in the desert, that's like an eternity! Anyway, Moses reminds them of how God gave them the Ten Commandments, and he also reminds them of some of the laws that God gave them. →

"Well folks, Deuteronomy 2, a chapter of the Bible, has been making the rounds and boy, it is a real doozy. I mean, it does what the Bible does best: it's got some smiting, some smote-ing, and even some smit-est-ing. →

Alright, Deuteronomy 3. So, God tells Moses to go ahead and take the land of Og, King of Bashan, foreshadowing the time when the Israelites would take the whole Promised Land. So Moses does, and takes Og's land and all of his cities. →

Hey, guys! It's me, Norm MacDonald with a summary of Deuteronomy 4. So, Moses is warning all the Israelites not to add or subtract from the commandments and not to worship any other gods. He's also telling them to remember what God has done for them and what He's about to do. →

Ah, Deuteronomy 5. This chapter is all about Moses outlining the Ten Commandments for the people of Israel. He reminds them to keep the Sabbath holy, not to worship any other gods, and not to use the Lord's name in vain. →

Well, folks, Deuteronomy 6 is really something. It's all about the 10 Commandments, which is actually pretty impressive because it was written way back in 1445 BC, long before they even had electricity. →

So, after all his wandering, Moses finally made it to Deuteronomy 7. He starts off by reminding the Israelites not to intermarry with the Canaanites. He says it will lead to all sorts of trouble, like the Israelites adopting their customs and worshipping their gods. →

Alright, folks, Deuteronomy 8: This is the chapter where Moses is like, 'Hey, Israelites, I know you've been wandering for 40 years and it's been tough, but God is totally real, and He's the one who gave you all the food and water and stuff during your journey. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here with the summary of Deuteronomy 9 - and you better pay attention, because this chapter is full of rules that you don't want to break. Let's start off with the Israelites getting ready to enter the Promised Land, and they're warned not to be arrogant and think they reached their success all on their own - it was all God's doing. →

Hey, how's it going everybody. The Bible keeps rolling along and in Deuteronomy 10, Moishe is sadly saying goodbye to the Israelites after 40 years of leading them around the desert. He reminds them to stay true to their faith and to worship their one God, not like those other pagans. →

Hey folks, it's Norm MacDonald here with a summary of Deuteronomy 11! This one is a bit of a downer, so if you're in the mood to be bummed out, keep reading. Basically, God tells the Israelites to keep his laws or suffer the consequences and to teach them to their children. →

This week on Deuteronomy, Moses is back again with more rules and regulations for the people of Israel. He's really laying it on thick about how they must destroy all the idols and altars in the land, and keep all their sacrifices and offerings in the place God has chosen. →

Deuteronomy 13: A chapter that sounds like it was written by someone's angry grandpa. It warns against false prophets and even goes so far as to say that if your own family members lead you astray you should stone them. →

Alright, in Deuteronomy 14, God tells the Israelites not to cut themselves off from their people by changing their appearance and not to eat any animals that are considered unclean. He also says they should tithe to help the poor. →

Well, folks, it looks like Deuteronomy 15 is a real doozy. You've got your loan forgivings and your slave liberations. But, here's the kicker - it's all gotta be done every seven years. Yup, you heard me - every seven years, you've gotta let those slaves go free, you gotta let those debtors off the hook. →

Hey, everyone, Norm MacDonald here with the summary of Deuteronomy 16. So, yeah, this chapter is all about celebrating the Passover and the Festival of Weeks. Basically, God is like, "Hey, make sure you totally celebrate these holidays and don't forget about the sacrifices. →

Hey folks, Norm MacDonald here with a summary of Deuteronomy 17. So, God's got a few rules about kings: first, don't get a foreign king, and second, don't get a king who could just buy a bunch of horses. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the Deuteronomy 18 Update. So here's the deal: according to this chapter, the Lord has set aside the Levites, who will have no inheritance in the land, and instead serve as priests within the community. →

Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update. This week on the Bible, we take a look at Deuteronomy 19. In this chapter, God tells the Israelites to set up three cities of refuge for those who have accidentally killed someone. →

Deuteronomy 20: The Lord tells the Israelites that they don't have to be afraid of their enemies, cuz He's got their back. He tells them to appoint officers to lead their armies into battle, and if they're worried about being outnumbered, He'll make sure they win. →

Alright, so Deuteronomy 21. This one's about a bunch of rules for the Israelites, like what to do if you capture a female prisoner of war or find a dead body in the middle of nowhere. So, if you find yourself in a situation like that, you know what to do. →

"Well, folks, this week we've been reading Deuteronomy 22. And it's full of advice that, frankly, is a little outdated. For example, it tells men not to wear women's clothing and vice versa. So, if you've ever been to a Lady Gaga concert, you know that rule is pretty much out the window. →

So, Deuteronomy 23: It's all about who you can and can't hang with. You can't associate with people who are castrated, with Ammonites, or Moabites. Even if they're bribing you with food and water, don't take it! The same goes for Edomites - no alliance there. →

So Deuteronomy 24 starts off with a bunch of guidelines about divorce and remarriage. Apparently, if a man takes a wife and divorces her, he can't take her back after she's been with another man. But if the second husband dies, she can go back to the first one. →

Deuteronomy 25: A real barn-burner of a chapter, folks. It's all about the rules of retribution. If one of your family members dies, but they don't have a male heir to carry on their name, the brother of the deceased is supposed to marry the widow and have a kid. →

Well, Deuteronomy 26, this is a fun one. Here's the gist: the Israelites are entering the Promised Land, and Moses tells them to give God the first fruits of their harvest as an offering. So basically, God is like, 'Hey, you want me to bring you into this land? No problem, just give me some of your crops every year. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald with the summary of Deuteronomy 27. So this chapter is all about a big celebration Israel is having, and the Israelites gather stones, set them up, and write all the laws of Moses on them. →

"Well, folks, it's another chapter of the Bible, and this time it's Deuteronomy 28. And it's all about the Israelites, and how if they obey God, everything will be great for them. But if they don't, get ready for a world of hurt. →

Oh, Deuteronomy 29. That's the one where God is like, "Hey, I'm gonna give ya'll a buncha laws. Don't break 'em, or else. Oh, and also, don't forget that I'm the one who brought you out of Egypt and gave you this land and all that. →

Norm here: Well folks, it's time to update you on what's goin' on in Deuteronomy 30. It's a real wild ride, so buckle up. So, basically, Moses is tellin' the Israelites that if they return to the Lord and obey his commands, then God will bless them and bring them back to the Promised Land. →

Alright, folks, we're gonna wrap up Deuteronomy with a bang! In Deuteronomy 31, Moses is like, "Hey, I'm gonna die soon, so here's what you gotta do: Joshua is gonna be your new leader, and the Lord will be with him. →

Hey, folks! This is Norm MacDonald here, with a quick recap of Deuteronomy 32. Yeah, it's a real page-turner. So, in this chapter, Moses is singing a song to remind the people of Israel how God has been so faithful to them. →

Well, this week's Biblical chapter is a real snoozefest. Deuteronomy 33 is a farewell from Moses to the Children of Israel. He goes on and on about the 12 tribes of Israel and how they will be blessed. Here's a sample: "Reuben, you shall be first in rank and mightier than the rest" - yeah, sure, buddy. →

Well, Deuteronomy 34 is a real snoozefest, folks. It's all about Moses, who is at the end of his life and is about to die. He gets to the top of Mount Nebo and looks out at the land of Canaan that he'll never get to see, and then he dies. →