So, Numbers 1. Sounds like it's gonna be a real snoozefest, right? Wrong! We've got a census being taken, and it's all about numbers. The Lord speaks to Moses and says, "Take a census of all the men of Israel who are twenty years old and upward. →

Well, folks, it's time for another chapter from the Bible... and this one is from the Book of Numbers, Chapter 2. We begin with God commanding Moses to take a census of all the Israelites, and the Lord gave specific instructions regarding how it should be conducted. →

Hey everyone, this is Norm MacDonald here with the latest on the Bible - and boy, this one is a doozy. In Numbers 3, we've got a big ol' census, where they're counting up all the Levites in the Israelite camp. →

Hey, everyone. It's Norm MacDonald here with the latest from Numbers 4. We've got a lot to cover so let's get started. In this chapter, we find out about the Levites and their duties, like being in charge of the tabernacle and taking it down and setting it up each time the Israelites move. →

Hey folks, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Weekend Update. This week, we're getting into the book of Numbers. In chapter 5, the Lord gives Moses a few rules for keeping the camp clean. You know, like if someone gets sick, they gotta be cast out. →

So, in Numbers 6, we learn the rules for the Nazirite. This is a person who takes a special vow of holiness and purity, which includes abstaining from wine and other intoxicating drinks, not cutting their hair, and not touching any corpses. →

Okay, so in Numbers 7, a bunch of Israelites are like "Hey, let's give some gifts to the Lord, God." So, they bring some kinda fancy oxen, carts, and sheep. But then the leaders of each tribe get all jealous and are like, "Well, why don't we all give the same thing?" So, then everyone brings the same exact thing and it's a real snooze-fest. →

Hey, everyone. Well, this week on the Bible, we're up to Numbers 8. Now, this is a real snoozefest, even for the Bible. We got a lot of instructions about how to set up the Tabernacle lamps and how to cleanse the Levites. →

So, in Numbers 9, the Israelites are travelling around the desert, as you do, and God gives them some instructions on how to celebrate the Passover. You know, it's like, keep the same date, celebrate with a special meal and all that. →

Well, this week we got a real humdinger of a chapter in the Bible with Numbers 10. Here’s the gist of it: God tells Moses to make two silver trumpets and use them to call out the Israelites when they’re on the march or when they’re gathering. →

So folks, we're talkin' Numbers 11, and man, oh man, have we got a real doozy for ya. So according to this chapter, the Israelites were just wanderin' around in the desert, when they got a hankerin' for some meat. →

Well, it's Numbers 12, folks. This chapter is all about Miriam and Aaron, who had the brilliant idea to criticize their brother Moses—which is a real no-no. So God steps in and gives Miriam leprosy for her insolence, which is just an embarrassing way to keep her from talking. →

Well, this week on Numbers, God decides to send out a bunch of scouts to check out the Promised Land. Long story short, 10 of them come back with a bad report and the Israelites get scared and decide not to go. →

Hey, what's up, you Bible-lovers out there? This week we're looking at Numbers 14, and let me tell you, it's a real doozy. So, the Israelites have just arrived at the edge of the Promised Land, and God tells Moses and the people to go in and take it. →

Hey kids, it's Norm MacDonald here with a summary of Numbers 15! So, in this chapter God tells Moses to tell the Israelites to bring offerings for their sins. Then God tells Moses how to make a special offering so that the Israelites can be forgiven for when they sin without knowing it. →

*Alright folks, here's the latest chapter of the Bible, Numbers 16. It's got a real twist! A group of rebels led by Korah, Dathan, and Abiram are challenging Moses and Aaron's leadership. But God isn't too happy with their disobedience and decides to put them in their place by opening the ground and swallowing them up. →

Hey, folks, this week we're talking about Numbers 17. So, according to the Bible, God told Moses to take twelve rods and write each of the twelve tribes' names on them. Then, the next day, he put them in the tabernacle and the rod of whoever God chose would sprout and bear fruit. →

Well folks, it's been a wild few weeks in the Bible. In Numbers 18, God tells Aaron that he and his sons are gonna run the priesthood in Israel. They're gonna be responsible for all the sacrifices and offerings, as well as all the sacred objects. →

Hey, this week on Numbers 19, God gave Moses some more rules and regulations to follow, like you do. First up, God commands the people of Israel to obtain a red heifer, which is apparently an important deal. →

Hey, gang, it's Norm MacDonald here with your Bible update! This week, let's check out the book of Numbers, Chapter 20. So, Moses and the gang are trying to get to the Promised Land, but things aren't going quite according to plan. →

Well folks, it's time to take a quick look at Numbers 21. So, the Israelites are feeling restless, so they decide to get a bit of perspective - by grumbling about the Lord. Big mistake. God sends snakes to bite them, so then they repent and ask for help. →

So, in Numbers 22, Balak, King of Moab, has a real beef with the Israelites. He calls in Balaam the prophet to put a stop to them. Balaam and Balak go on a road trip to a few different places, but Balaam's donkey keeps messing up their plans by turning off the road and refusing to move. →

Norm MacDonald here with the latest on Numbers 23. So, it starts off with Balaam, who's this old prophet, and God tells him not to curse the Israelites, but the king of Moab really wants him to do it. So, Balaam tries to talk to God about it, and finally God says, "Fine, but you can only say what I tell you to. →

Well, this chapter of the Bible starts off with a bang! A guy named Balaam is spouting off some prophecies about Israel, which I guess is a good thing. But then he says some weird stuff about the "Star" from Jacob. →

Well, folks, it looks like God is really mad at the Israelites in Numbers 25. They were having a party, and apparently they were getting a little too friendly with some Moabite women. So God sends a plague, and the only way to make it stop is for a guy named Phinehas to take a spear and stab a couple of people. →

Hey folks, it's ya boy Norm MacDonald here with a rundown of Numbers 26. In this chapter, the Lord commands Moses to take a census of all the men in Israel, aged 20 and up, to determine the number of soldiers they have to fight in their upcoming battles. →

Alright, so, Numbers 27, the Lord tells Moses to take the daughters of Zelophehad, who have no brothers, and give them their father's inheritance. Then, the Lord tells Moses to appoint Joshua as the next leader of Israel, and to lay his hands on him. →

Well, it looks like we've got a real snoozefest in Numbers 28. Here's the gist: God tells Moses that the Israelites should offer sacrifices to Him every day, every week, and every month. That's right folks, sacrifice, sacrifice, and more sacrifice! But don't worry - it's not all bad news. →

So, in Numbers 29, the Lord tells the Israelites that on the first day of the seventh month, they are to offer a burnt offering of one young bull, one ram, and seven male lambs. And then on the fifteenth day, they are to offer another burnt offering of two bulls, one ram, and seven male lambs. →

Well, folks, it seems like God is really getting worked up in Numbers 30. He's just laying down the law - no more messing around with your promises to Him! If you make a vow, you better keep it - no matter who it hurts! And if you're a father or husband, you better watch out - you can't just go undoing a vow your daughter or wife has made. →

So, in Numbers 31, God instructs Moses to take revenge on the Midianites, who had tricked the Israelites into sinning. So Moses sends out an army to attack the Midianites and they totally annihilate them. →

Norm MacDonald: Hey, folks, we’ve got a real wild one here in Numbers 32. So two tribes, the Reubenites and the Gadites, ask Moses if they can settle on the eastern side of the Jordan River instead of joining the Israelites in the Promised Land. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here with a recap of Numbers 33. Now this is a chapter full of lists, so buckle up and keep a pen handy if you want to keep track of all the places the Israelites stopped during their journey from Egypt to the Promised Land. →

Well, folks, it's Numbers 34, and it's a real page-turner. This chapter is all about the boundaries of the land of Canaan. It's like a real-estate seminar, only in the Bible! So it starts off with Moses giving directions to the Israelites about how to divide the land among the different tribes, and then it goes into a lot of detail about the exact boundaries of each area. →

Well folks, it's been a while since I've had a Bible chapter to review, but here we go with Numbers 35 – and it's a doozy. So, if you were one of the people who left Egypt with Moses, this chapter is for you. →

Alright, so Numbers 36. In this chapter, we find out that the daughters of Zelophehad are really getting the shaft. They wanted to inherit their father's land, but the men of the tribe weren't too keen on that idea. →