Hey folks, if you're looking for a heartwarming story of family love, you won't find it in 1 Samuel 1. We meet Elkanah and his two wives, Hannah and Peninnah, and let's just say the family dynamics are a bit awkward. →

Well, folks, we've got a real nail-biter for you in 1 Samuel 2. It's a wild ride for the priest Eli and his two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. Eli's sons are up to no good, stealing from the offering plate and sleeping with the women who serve at the entrance to the Tabernacle. →

Well folks, in 1 Samuel 3, you've got a kid named Samuel who's apprenticed to a priest named Eli. And Eli's got two sons who are priestly assistants and they're not so hot at their job. So God calls out to Samuel in the middle of the night, and Samuel is like, "Here I am!" and Eli's like, "Go back to sleep, I didn't call you. →

So in 1 Samuel 4, things get really wild. Basically, the Israelites go up against the Philistines, and it's not looking great. So they grab the Arc of the Covenant and they're like, "we gotta carry this into battle, it'll help us win. →

Alright, in 1 Samuel 5, the Philistines have stolen the Ark of the Covenant from the Israelites as a sort of war trophy. They take it back to their city, Ashdod, and put it in their temple. But lo and behold, the Philistines soon realize that the Ark is not like any other shrine, because it brings tons of plagues, including tumors and rats. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here with an update on the Bible. So, in 1 Samuel 6, the Philistines are freaking out because they've been cursed by the Lord. They've been sending the Ark of the Covenant back to the Israelites, with all sorts of offerings, hoping that it'll appease the Lord. →

So in 1 Samuel 7, the Israelites have been having a rough time of it lately, what with the Philistines being all over them and all. So they get together and decide to get rid of all the idols they've been worshipping - which, let's face it, is probably a good idea - and turn to God. →

This week on Weekend Update: God's got an issue with a certain judge in 1 Samuel 8. You see, God had appointed Samuel as the leader of Israel, but the people weren't digging his style and thought they'd be better off with a king. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Weekend Update. Let's take a look at the Bible, shall we? This week, we've got 1 Samuel 9, a real doozy. So, Saul, a handsome but hapless fella, is looking for his dad's donkeys. →

Okay, so in Chapter 10 of 1 Samuel, we got a whole lot of anointing goin' on. First, Samuel anoints Saul as the first king of Israel, right in front of the people. Then, the Lord tells Saul to go to Gilgal, and He's gonna appear there and give Saul the signs he needs to prove he was anointed to be king. →

Well, folks, it looks like we're taking a trip back to the good old days of the Bible. In 1 Samuel 11, we find out that Nahash the Ammonite is doing some pretty nasty stuff, like gouging out people's right eyes. →

Well, it's 1 Samuel 12 and this chapter is full of political pandering. The people of Israel come to Samuel and ask him to appoint a king, so he does the Lord's bidding and appoints Saul. Samuel then gives a long speech about how good the Lord has been to the Israelites, and how they shouldn't forget it. →

Alright, listeners, this one's a doozy. Chapter 13 of 1 Samuel is about Saul, a man who was chosen to be king of Israel. And boy, does he want to make sure everyone knows it. So he decides to take matters into his own hands and offer a burnt sacrifice to God without consulting a priest. →

Well, folks, we are back in 1 Samuel 14 and it's a doozy. It all starts with Jonathan, son of King Saul, and his trusty armor bearer taking on a mighty force of Philistines. They manage to pull off an impressive victory, but King Saul is still upset that they didn't consult him first. →

In 1 Samuel 15, King Saul was pretty much a party pooper; God told him to go attack the Amalekites and wipe 'em out, but Saul kept some of the booty and animals, which made God mad. So God told Samuel, the prophet, to confront Saul and he was like, "Bro, why'd you keep the booty? That's not cool. →

Well, folks, after all that, we finally meet the new King of Israel: David! Sorry, Saul, you had your chance. Seems like God has chosen David to take your place. So, Saul's son Jonathan is totally cool with it and even gives him some of his own armor. →

Ah, 1 Samuel 17, it's the story of the classic David and Goliath situation. You know the one: big, bad Goliath taunts the Israelites and then our little hero David shows up and takes him out with a sling. →

So, uh, it's 1 Samuel, Chapter 18. So, uh, David and Jonathan are, like, super tight, right? Like, uh, they made a covenant and all that. So, Saul's like, "Hey, I'm gonna give you my daughter as a reward for killing Goliath. →

"Well, in 1 Samuel 19 things get real dramatic. Saul is determined to kill David, so David's wife Michal helps him escape. But then Saul sends men out to capture David, and Michal helps him escape again. →

Well, it looks like David is back in town and ready to cause trouble. He's been running from his arch-nemesis Saul, and after a quick chat with Jonathan, David's BFF, he's decided to skip town. But Jonathan has a plan: He'll shoot off an arrow to let David know when it's safe to come back. →

Well, this week on 1 Samuel: David's got a problem. He's in a bit of a bind, see? He's on the run from Saul, so he goes to the priest Ahimelech and asks for food, but Ahimelech only has the holy bread, so David takes that. →

So, 1 Samuel 22. David is on the run from Saul, so he takes refuge in the cave Adullam. He takes a bunch of his buddies with him, and they become the core of his new army. Anybody who was in trouble or had a debt or was just disgruntled joined up with David. →

Well, folks, 1 Samuel 23 is all about David, who you may remember from his many hits like "Goliath", and "Killing the Giant". This time, he's looking for a place to hide from Saul and his troops, so he goes to a nearby town called Keilah. →

Well, it looks like the God-fearing David has been up to some shenanigans in 1 Samuel 24. He has been hiding out in a cave from King Saul, who has been trying to kill him. But while David is hiding in the cave, Saul actually enters the cave and David has the chance to kill him. →

So, 1 Samuel 25. Yeah. It's about a guy named Nabal who is a real jerk. He's got a bunch of sheep, and so he's got money, and he's a real jerk with it. David, who's this big time hero, sends some of his guys to Nabal to ask for some food, and Nabal says no way, so David gets really mad. →

Oh, boy, talk about a wild chapter in 1 Samuel! It starts with Saul and his men hunting down David, trying to kill him - again. But then David, like the sly fox he is, sneaks into Saul's camp and sneaks off with his spear and water jug. →

So uh, here we are in 1 Samuel 27. We've got David, who's on the run from King Saul (yeah, it's a long story). So David tries to find a safe place for himself and his men, and he decides on Philistine territory. →

Well, folks, it's another chapter full of folks in the Old Testament doing questionable things - this time it's 1 Samuel 28. We've got Saul, the King of Israel, who's a bit worried about the Philistines about to invade. →

"Hey, what's going on? Well, in 1 Samuel 29, the Philistines have gathered an army to fight against the Israelites and they invite King Achish of Gath to join them. So, Achish tells his servants to summon David and his men, who are currently living in Gath, to join him in the fight. →

Good evening everyone. I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is Weekend Update. Well, we've got a wild one for ya tonight. In 1 Samuel 30, David and his men return to a city they had been living in, only to find it destroyed, and their families taken captive by the Amalekites. →

Hey, folks, Norm MacDonald here with a summary of 1 Samuel 31. So, the Israelites and the Philistines were fighting it out, and things weren't looking good for the Israelites. Saul and three of his sons had all been killed in battle, and the Philistines were closing in. →