"So there you have it, folks. Turns out God likes it when you don’t ignore him. Who knew?"

 

• Genesis

  Hey, Genesis 1. Well, God decided to take a break from his busy schedule of hangin' out and decided to create something. So God created the heavens and the earth, and it was good. Then God decided to fill up the earth with all kinds of cool stuff like plants, animals, and people. →

• Exodus

  Alright, so Exodus 1, the story of the Israelites fleeing Egypt. So Pharaoh, he's gettin a little worried about these Israelites, they're multiplying like crazy, so he decides to enslave them. Then he tells the midwives to kill all the baby boys, but they have a better idea and disobey his orders. →

• Leviticus

  Well, Norm here. In Leviticus 1, the Lord lays out the rules for animal sacrifices, which is a real bummer if you're an animal. First, He says you can offer up a bull, a sheep, or a goat. Then He explains how to kill and prepare the animal. →

• Numbers

  So, Numbers 1. Sounds like it's gonna be a real snoozefest, right? Wrong! We've got a census being taken, and it's all about numbers. The Lord speaks to Moses and says, "Take a census of all the men of Israel who are twenty years old and upward. →

• Deuteronomy

  So, in Deuteronomy 1, we got Moses recounting the stories of the Israelites' 40 year journey in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt. Man, 40 years in the desert, that's like an eternity! Anyway, Moses reminds them of how God gave them the Ten Commandments, and he also reminds them of some of the laws that God gave them. →

• Joshua

  Yeah, so Joshua has been chosen by God to lead the Israelites and he's pretty stoked about it. So God tells him, "Hey, don't be scared, just keep my commandments and you'll be fine." But in case that wasn't enough to get him pumped, God also made sure to mention how he'd be successful if he kept the commandments, like, if he did, his enemies would be defeated. →

• Judges

  Hey, folks, it's me, Norm MacDonald, here with a chapter-by-chapter summary of the Bible. First up: Judges 1. In this chapter, we learn that the Israelites were unable to drive out the inhabitants of the land, despite the Lord's promise that they could. →

• Ruth

  So, Ruth 1 - here we go. It starts off with an old man named Elimelech who up and moves his family to a foreign land called Moab. He and his two sons take wives there, but then both sons die. Fast forward ten years, and Elimelech's wife Naomi decides to move back home with her two daughter-in-laws. →

• 1 Samuel

  Hey folks, if you're looking for a heartwarming story of family love, you won't find it in 1 Samuel 1. We meet Elkanah and his two wives, Hannah and Peninnah, and let's just say the family dynamics are a bit awkward. →

• 2 Samuel

  So, 2 Samuel 1. The long and short of it is, David finds out that Saul and Jonathan have been killed in battle, and he's pretty bummed about it. He laments their demise, and then he's like, 'Ok, back to business'. →

• 1 Kings

  Alright, so 1 Kings 1 starts off with an old King David getting old and weak, so his servants try to find a young buck to be the next king of Israel. They settle on one of his sons, Adonijah, and he starts throwing himself a big party to celebrate. →

• 2 Kings

  Well, folks, it's time to break down what happened in 2 Kings 1. We have a guy named Ahaziah who gets injured in a fall from his roof. So, naturally, he sends messengers to inquire of the god Baal-zebub. →

• 1 Chronicles

  Hey, everybody, it's Norm MacDonald here, with a summary of the Bible for all you folks who don't have time to read it. This time we're tackling 1 Chronicles 1. As you can imagine, it's a real page-turner. →

• 2 Chronicles

  So, here we are checking in on 2 Chronicles 1, the chapter where King Solomon goes to the Lord in all his glory. He's got 1,400 chariots and 12,000 horsemen, which is a lot more than the Lord's got, so he's feeling pretty confident. →

• Ezra

  Hey folks, it's Norm MacDonald here with a summary of Ezra 1. So, King Cyrus of Persia issues a proclamation that anyone who wants to go back to Jerusalem and rebuild the city and the temple can do so. So, naturally, a bunch of Jews take him up on his offer and head back to Jerusalem. →

• Nehemiah

  Well, folks, it's been a long time comin', but Nehemiah got the call to action he's been waiting for. He heard the news that his people, the Jews, were in a bad spot. So Nehemiah spent a few days in prayer, asking God to give him the strength to do what he knew he must do—go back to Jerusalem and rebuild the walls. →

• Esther

  Well folks, in Esther 1, we meet King Ahasuerus, who throws an epic 180-day party for all the nobles in his kingdom. But then, when the party's over, he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come show off her beauty in front of the partygoers. →

• Job

  "And this week in job security, we take a look at Job. Y'know, he had it all. A nice family, plenty of money, and a job with security. That was until God and Satan had a bet about Job's loyalty. So God let Satan take away all his money and his family, and he still stayed loyal. →

• Psalms

  "Well, folks, this week we take a look at Psalms 1, where we learn that the righteous person is like a tree planted by streams of water, and all the wicked are like chaff that the wind blows away. So what does that mean for us? Well, it's pretty simple: don't be wicked, and you're good to go. →

• Proverbs

  Hey there, Weekend Update here with a quick rundown of Proverbs 1: it's about wisdom and knowledge. Y'know, the good stuff. The stuff that your mom always said you should pay attention to. But as it turns out, wisdom isn't just something your mom preaches - it's actually pretty useful. →

• Ecclesiastes

  Hey, what's up everybody? This is Norm MacDonald and I'm here to give you a summary of Ecclesiastes 1. Alright, so here goes. So the author of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon, is basically having a mid-life crisis. →

• Song of Solomon

  Well, folks, here we are with Song of Solomon 1, the Bible's answer to the classic novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' It's a racy, steamy tale of love and longing between two people, and it's full of poetic language that makes you feel like you're right there in the moment. →

• Isaiah

  Good evening, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is Weekend Update. In the Bible this week, Isaiah 1 tells us about God’s disappointment with Judah and Jerusalem. It seems God is not impressed with the sacrifices and offerings they’ve been giving him. →

• Jeremiah

  Well, this is a doozy. In Jeremiah 1, God tells Jeremiah that he has known him since before he was born and that he will be a prophet to the nations. He's like, "Hey, you're gonna be a prophet, and it's gonna be hard. →

• Lamentations

  So, folks, we've got another chapter of this ol' Bible for ya. This time it's Lamentations 1. It's a real bummer. We start off with a woman cryin' that Jerusalem is all alone and deserted. She can't find anyone to comfort her, and it's a real pity party goin' on. →

• Ezekiel

  Alright, so Ezekiel 1: it starts off with the prophet Ezekiel receiving a vision from God. He describes this vision as "a stormy wind coming out of the north, and a great cloud with a fire flashing up, and a brightness around it, and out of the midst of it as the colour of amber. →

• Daniel

  Well, folks, it's time to dive into the good book. In Daniel 1, we meet Daniel and his three friends in Babylon. They're forced to eat food from the king's table, but Daniel decides to eat only vegetables and drink only water instead. →

• Hosea

  Alright, folks, so here's the scoop on Hosea 1. Basically, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer, which is a pretty weird thing to do - but hey, it makes for a good story, I guess. So Hosea does, and it's pretty messed up. →

• Joel

  Alright, so in Joel 1, we got ourselves a plague of locusts. And it's the worst plague in, like, forever. No food, no crops, no animals in sight. It's a real bummer. But God's not done yet, he's gonna send some other plague after this one. →

• Amos

  Well, well, well, Amos 1. If you thought the Bible was all about loving thy neighbor, you have a rude awakening coming. This chapter is full of harsh words for the neighboring nations of Judah and Israel. →

• Obadiah

  Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald, and boy do I have some dreary news. In Obadiah 1, God warns that the Edomites of the region will be punished for their pride and for standing by and watching as their brother, the nation of Judah, was taken into captivity. →

• Jonah

  So, in the first chapter of Jonah, God tells Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh and preach to the people there. So what does Jonah do? Does he obey God? No! He goes and hops on a boat headed in the opposite direction. →

• Micah

  Hey, folks, Norm MacDonald here for Weekend Update. Let's get into it. This week, we're reading the book of Micah, and it's a doozy. In chapter 1, it's all about God punishing the folks of Judah and Jerusalem for their wickedness. →

• Nahum

  Ah, Nahum 1, a real crowd pleaser. This chapter's got it all -- destruction and destruction and destruction. So much destruction. It's like a Michael Bay movie, except God's the one blowing stuff up. But don't worry, God's not just a wild man -- he's also a just man. →

• Habakkuk

  Well, folks, Habakkuk 1 starts off with a real doozy. The prophet Habakkuk is not happy with the Lord, complaining that the wicked are too powerful, and the righteous are suffering. So the Lord kicks off a warning: He's gonna send some bad hombres your way. →

• Zephaniah

  Well, folks, it's time for a tour of the Old Testament, and this week we're heading to Zephaniah 1. Let me give you the gist of it: God is not happy. He's sending out a warning to all of Judah, saying that he's gonna punish them for their wickedness. →

• Haggai

  Alright, let's get started with Haggai 1. So, God is really mad at the people of Judah for not rebuilding the temple. He's like, "Hey! What gives? Why aren't you guys rebuilding the temple? Get on it!" So, the people finally get the message and begin rebuilding. →

• Zechariah

  So folks, this is Zechariah, Chapter 1. Now, the Lord sends Zechariah a vision of four horns and four craftsmen. And then four angelic horsemen show up! But, you know, whatever. Then the angel of the Lord tells Zechariah that the Lord is angry with the nations that have been oppressing Israel. →

• Malachi

  Hey, it’s Norm MacDonald here with a summary of Malachi 1. So, God tells the people that He loves them, but He also says that they haven’t been treating Him with the same respect. They’re offering sacrifice, but it’s not their best stuff, and He’s not too happy about it. →

• Matthew

  Well, this is one for the books - Matthew 1. In this chapter, we get a genealogy of Jesus through his father Joseph, all the way back to the big man himself, Abraham. Yeah, he's been dead for a while now, but you know, still an impressive lineage. →

• Mark

  Alright, so here’s the lowdown on Mark 1. We meet the main character of this whole saga – John the Baptist, who’s out in the desert preaching repentance and telling everyone to get ready for the Messiah. →

• Luke

  Well, it's been a while since we've been in church, but we're gonna take a quick look at Luke 1. Let's start with a man named Zechariah. He's a priest who, according to the Bible, can't talk because he doubted an angel. →

• John

  Well well, folks, it seems that we're looking at the book of John, chapter one. And what a wild ride it is. We got a mysterious dude named Word, and he's like, "Hey, I was there when things were created, and I'm still around now. →

• Acts

  Hey, folks, this is Norm MacDonald here. I'm reading through the Bible, chapter by chapter, and today we're talking about the Book of Acts, Chapter 1. So this chapter is all about Jesus' last days. He's telling his disciples that the Holy Spirit will soon come down and give them power. →

• Romans

  It's time for the Bible, folks. Romans 1: Well, Paul's writing a letter to the church in Rome and it's a doozy. He's gonna talk about a bunch of stuff, like wrath and unrighteousness and the gospel. He's got a lot of big words, but the gist is that God's gonna punish all the bad guys who don't believe in Him. →

• 1 Corinthians

  Hey, folks! It's me, Norm Macdonald, here with the latest from the Bible. This week, we're checking out the first chapter of 1 Corinthians. It starts off with Paul introducing himself to the Corinthians. →

• 2 Corinthians

  Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here with the summary of 2 Corinthians 1. In this chapter, Paul is writing to the Corinthians to tell them that he and his team are grateful for the comfort they've been receiving, and Paul is praying for them to receive even more comfort from God. →

• Galatians

  Hey, folks, this is Norm Macdonald with your update on the Book of Galatians. So, what have we got here? Well, it turns out that Paul is giving a bit of a scolding to the Galatians. Seems they've been listening to some false teachers who are trying to convince them to adhere to certain Jewish ritual laws. →

• Ephesians

  Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Bible Update. We're gonna take a look at the book of Ephesians, chapter 1. Paul starts off with his usual greeting, saying "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. →

• Philippians

  Norm MacDonald here with an update on the latest from Philippians 1: Well, folks, we've got Paul doing what he does best: writing letters. In this case, he's writing to the church of Philippi and he's full of thanks to them for their partnership in spreading the gospel. →

• Colossians

  Colossians 1: Hey, what's up everybody? I know, it's been a while since we've spoken, so let's catch up. Paul wrote this letter to the Colossians, telling them all about Jesus. He's the one who created the universe, and He's God's beloved son. →

• 1 Thessalonians

  Hey, you know that book, the Bible? Well, this is 1 Thessalonians 1, which is basically Paul talking to the church in Thessalonica about how he's been preachin' the gospel. Apparently he's been saying some pretty wild stuff, like how Jesus died and rose again and stuff. →

• 2 Thessalonians

  Alright folks, the Bible is back like the plague and this time it's with 2 Thessalonians 1. The Apostle Paul is writing to the church of Thessalonica, which is not to be confused with the church of Baysalonica, which is a whole different thing. →

• 1 Timothy

  Alright, so 1 Timothy 1: This is a letter from Paul to Timothy, his disciple, and Paul's giving him the lowdown on how to lead a good Christian life. He's talking about how to stay away from false teachings and how to be a good leader to the people. →

• 2 Timothy

  Well, folks, it looks like 2 Timothy is back with chapter 1! Paul is writing to Timothy, his spiritual son. He’s writing from prison, which is a terrible place to be, but hey at least he’s got the time to write folksy letters about the gospel. →

• Titus

  Well, folks, Titus 1 has something for everyone. It's got Paul telling Titus to appoint elders in every city, and of course, that means Sunday morning church service is gonna be extra long. Titus is supposed to make sure the elders are above reproach, but let's be honest, we all know that's gonna be a challenge. →

• Philemon

  Hey, folks, it's time for another installment of Bible Update. This week, we're taking a look at Philemon 1. So, Paul's writing to his buddy Philemon, saying, "Hey, man, I hear you've got a slave named Onesimus who's been causing trouble. →

• Hebrews

  Well, it looks like the writers of the Bible are back at it again with their latest chapter, Hebrews 1. This chapter starts off strong, with a shoutout to Jesus, who is God's Son, and a reminder that he's better than the angels. →

• James

  Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to give you an update on the latest chapter from the Bible: James 1. Now, if you're like me, you probably skipped it. But, I'm here to give you the summary so you can impress your friends with your knowledge. →

• 1 Peter

  Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald here to give you a summary of 1 Peter 1. Well, it's all about faith, faith, faith - and how it's the only thing that can save us. And that faith comes from the power of God. →

• 2 Peter

  "Good news, everyone! Peter's back with more advice in 2 Peter 1. He's telling his followers to make every effort to supplement their faith with virtue, knowledge, self-control, endurance, godliness, brotherly affection and love. →

• 1 John

  Alright, here we go with 1 John 1. Well, it starts off with a bang, talkin' about how it's about the word of life and how it was seen and heard by the apostles and how they can now testify to it. Then it gets deep, talkin' about how this life was revealed to them and how they want to tell the world about it. →

• 2 John

  Alright, so in 2 John 1, we've got the author, who is a beloved pastor, addressing a church. He tells them to love one another, to walk in truth, and to abide in the doctrine of Christ. He warns them not to be deceived by false teachers, and to look out for those who don't believe in Christ. →

• 3 John

  Well, 3 John 1 is a real snoozefest. Basically, it's an old guy named Gaius sending a letter of encouragement to another old guy named Demetrius. Gaius is all praises for Demetrius and his good deeds, and says that he hopes Demetrius keeps doing what he's doing. →

• Jude

  Hey there folks, Jude here with the latest update on the Bible. In this chapter, Jude reminds us that we should be constantly vigilant against false teachers who have infiltrated the church and are leading people astray. →

• Revelation

  Revelation 1: We start off with a bang, people, as John the Apostle gets a vision from God. He sees seven golden lampstands, and seven stars in the right hand of the one who speaks. Talk about a power move. →