Alright, so here’s the lowdown on Mark 1. We meet the main character of this whole saga – John the Baptist, who’s out in the desert preaching repentance and telling everyone to get ready for the Messiah. →

Well, welcome to another edition of Weekend Update! This week, let's take a look at the Bible, particularly Mark 2. We got Jesus healing a paralytic, and then a bunch of religious guys getting mad at Him for doing it on the Sabbath. →

Well, folks, it's been a wild day in the Bible. In Mark 3, Jesus is so popular, he needs to hire a publicist to keep up with the demand. He's got crowds of people surrounding him, so he goes up a mountain to get some peace and quiet. →

Hey, what's going on, everybody. This is Norm MacDonald, and I'm here to give you the lowdown on the Bible. Let's see what's happening in Mark 4. Well, Jesus is talking about a lot of parables, and he's getting a lot of pushback from his disciples who just don't get it. →

Alright, let's see what's going on in Mark 5. So, Jesus and his disciples come ashore near Gerasene and this dude possessed by a bunch of demons recognizes him. You know, like you do. The demons beg Jesus not to send them away and he lets them into some pigs, which then rush into a lake and drown. →

Hey, y'all! Welcome to Bible Update. I'm Norm MacDonald and this week, we've got the book of Mark, chapter 6. So, Jesus goes to his hometown and starts teaching, but the locals don't take too kindly to it, so he sends out the 12 disciples with some instructions. →

Hey, remember that time Jesus was really upset at the Pharisees? Well, it happened again in Mark 7. Jesus was not too pleased with their interpretation of the Scriptures and their traditions, so Jesus gave them a good scolding. →

Hey, everybody, it's Norm MacDonald here with a Saturday Night Live Weekend Update! This week, we're gonna take a look at the Book of Mark, Chapter 8. We got Jesus performing miracles, like the one where he takes seven loaves of bread and a few small fish and miraculously feeds a huge crowd. →

Norm MacDonald: Alright, alright, alright. So, in Mark 9, the disciples are still trying to figure out the whole Jesus thing, and he's not making it any easier for them. He tells them he's gonna be killed and then come back to life, and they just don't get it. →

Well, folks, this week on Mark, we see Jesus doing a lot of explaining. Apparently, he's trying to make sure his followers understand his teachings, because they just don't get it. He starts by explaining that divorce is a no-no, and then follows up with a lesson about not judging other people. →

Jesus and his disciples make their way to Jerusalem, and Jesus sends two of his disciples ahead to get a donkey and a colt for him to ride on. When they get to the city, Jesus curses a fig tree for not having any figs on it, and it immediately withers away. →

Hey folks, it's Norm MacDonald here with the latest from Mark 12. Jesus was back at it, giving parables and answering questions from the people. He told the people a parable about a vineyard that someone leased to tenants, but when the owner sent servants to collect his share of the harvest, the tenants beat them up and even killed some of them. →

Hey, folks, it's Norm here with the Bible Update. In Mark 13, Jesus is saying his goodbyes and trying to warn his disciples of the dangers to come. He's telling them to stay alert and to be ready for the end of the world. →

Well, folks, it's Mark 14, and it's a doozy. Jesus and his disciples have gone to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray, and Jesus knows that Judas Iscariot is going to betray him. Sure enough, Judas arrives with a bunch of Roman soldiers and religious leaders to arrest Jesus, and Peter even draws a sword to try and protect him. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here, with the latest from Mark 15. Now, Jesus is on trial, and the Roman governor Pontius Pilate basically wants nothing to do with it. He has all these options on the table, but he's like, "No way, I'm outta here!" But the people are like, "No, no, no, crucify him!" So Pilate finally gives in and hands Jesus over to be crucified. →

Alright, so, in Mark 16, Jesus rises from the dead, and when he does, he tells the Disciples to go and tell the world about it. So the Disciples do, and they tell everyone the good news, and the whole world is like, "Yay, Jesus is back!" But then Jesus is like, "Hey, I'm not done yet. →