Hey there, Weekend Update here with a quick rundown of Proverbs 1: it's about wisdom and knowledge. Y'know, the good stuff. The stuff that your mom always said you should pay attention to. But as it turns out, wisdom isn't just something your mom preaches - it's actually pretty useful. →

Hey, Bible fans! Here's what's going on in Proverbs 2: It's all about seeking wisdom and understanding, and it's all about avoiding evil. The chapter warns us to stay away from people who are living sinful lives and to instead seek out the knowledge of God. →

"Welcome to Bible Update, I'm Norm MacDonald. This week, we take a look at Proverbs 3, a real page-turner. In it, God suggests that you trust him and your gut, and not your own wisdom. He also says that you should be honest and kind and don't forget to be humble. →

Hey there, it's Norm MacDonald here, doing Weekend Update on the Bible. Let's take a look at what's going on in Proverbs 4. It's all about wisdom, and how important it is to listen to your parents. It's like, if you don't listen to your parents, you're going to end up in a world of hurt. →

Hey, Proverbs 5. This chapter has some tips for the young fella on how to be a man. It starts off by saying, don't let your heart be tempted by a woman that's not your wife. Then it goes on to say don't surround yourself with lustful thoughts, or you'll get what you deserve. →

Hey, look what we got here! Proverbs 6! The chapter that tells you a thing or two about being lazy and being a liar. Y'know, 'cause lazy liars get no respect. The Good Book's got a few choice words for them. →

Hey everyone, Norm MacDonald here with a recap of Proverbs 7. So, first off, the chapter starts off with a warning for young men to avoid the temptations of promiscuous women. And God knows, there are plenty of those around. →

Okay, yeah, so this is Proverbs 8. Here's what's goin' on: Lady Wisdom is talkin' up a storm. She's bragging about how she was there at creation, makin' sure everything ran smoothly. She's also claimin' that hangin' out with her is more valuable than gold and silver. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here with a summary of Proverbs 9. This chapter is all about wisdom and understanding. It starts off with a woman named "Wisdom" building a house and inviting the foolish to come and learn. →

Alright, so the Book of Proverbs Chapter 10. It's a real grab bag of advice. Ya got your "Righteousness exalts a nation" and your "A wise son makes a glad father" and of course, "He who walks with integrity walks securely. →

Well, folks, Proverbs 11's got some pretty sage advice, if I do say so myself. First off, it tells us that False scales are an abomination to the Lord. So, uh, if you're doing any shady weighing business, well, you know what I'm about to say. →

"So, Proverbs 12: It starts off with a bang, telling us not to envy wicked people, because they will eventually be destroyed. Then it moves on to say that the Lord approves of good people, and that it's better to be a poor person of integrity than a rich person of deceit. →

So, Proverbs 13. It's a real hoot. The chapter starts off with a bang, talking about how wisdom is the key to success. But that's not all. It also talks about how wise people are going to get their fair share of riches, while fools will be left in the dust. →

[Norm MacDonald Voice] So, Proverbs 14. The chapter starts off with some real zingers. Like, "every wise woman buildeth her house," and "the simple believeth every word." Wow, that's some real deep stuff, right? But don't be fooled, because there's also plenty of wisdom in there, like, "in the fear of the Lord is strong confidence. →

So Proverbs 15 has been around for a while, and it starts by saying that a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So, I guess the lesson here is be nice, folks. But then it gets weird when it starts talking about sacrifice, and how it's better to be poor and honest than rich and dishonest. →

Well folks, it's time to check in on the good book. This week, we're in Proverbs 16, which is all about morality, humility, and the Lord's plan. According to the book, God has the power to make things happen, and if you show humility and respect, you'll be rewarded. →

"So, Proverbs 17. This chapter is all about being a good person. It's like, 'Hey, don't be a cheater, don't be a gambler, don't be a liar, don't be a slanderer, don't be a jerk.' It's like your mom when you were a kid, always telling you to play nice. →

Proverbs 18: Man, you guys, this chapter is all about being careful who you associate with. It's like your mom always said, "Your friends will make or break you." Also, if you think you're so smart, don't be afraid to admit you don't know something. →

The 19th chapter of Proverbs has a lot of great advice, but it's also kind of repetitive - like, they really hammer home the same points. For example, there's a passage about how it's better to be poor and honest than rich and dishonest, and then two verses later, it's like, "Hey, remember how it's better to be poor and honest than rich and dishonest? We just wanted to make sure you got that. →

Hey, Proverbs 20: Whoa, this one's a doozy! So, this chapter's all about the importance of being honest, and the consequences of being sneaky. It starts off with a warning that if you don't tell the truth, you're going to get caught in your own lies. →

Okay, so in Proverbs 21: The Lord has some words of wisdom for us, and they're really something special. He basically says that if you're a hard worker, you'll be rewarded, and if you're lazy, you'll be in big trouble. →

Well, folks, it's time to check in on the Bible, and this week we're looking at Proverbs 22. So what do we have here? Well, it looks like someone's trying to pass off a bunch of old-timey cliches as wisdom. →

Well folks, Proverbs 23 is here and it's full of nuggets of wisdom for the modern man. First off, if you've got money, don't let it burn a hole in your pocket, because you can't take it with you when you go. →

Okay, so Proverbs 24. This chapter is all about wisdom, and it’s really kinda preachy. It starts off talking about how wise people should be careful, and then it goes into why it’s important to be wise and how it’s better than being strong or powerful. →

Proverbs 25: A real mixed bag of wisdom. We got some good advice here: "If you argue with your neighbor, don't betray another person's secret." That's pretty sound. But then we got some weird ones too, like "If you find honey, don't eat too much, or it'll make you vomit," which is a little too much information, if you ask me. →

"Well, it looks like the Bible's back with another snooze-fest, folks. In Proverbs 26, we find out that lazy people are just like a thorny hedge; they're all prickly and you can't get anything done. And then the old proverb, 'Like a dog returning to its vomit' is, uh, brought up. →

"Hey, did you know that Proverbs 27 is all about how to be an adult? Apparently you should stay humble and not brag about yourself or your possessions, or you'll look like a real idiot. Also, don't be so quick to trust your friends or you'll end up getting burned. →

Well, it's Proverbs 28, and, uh, boy, let me tell you, this chapter is a real doozy. They start off talking about the wicked, and how they can never find rest, and how they should just turn to the Lord. →

Well, folks, it's Proverbs 29, and boy is it a doozy. We start off with a real zinger: a wise man won't need to be told twice, but a fool will just keep on needing to be told and told and told. We also get some kind words for the righteous and the wicked, and then a warning about gossip. →

[Norm MacDonald begins speaking in his trademark dry, deadpan style] "Well, if it isn't the thirtyeth chapter of Proverbs. Here's the lowdown, folks: in this chapter, Agur asks for a few things from God, like not being put to shame, not having too much or too little, and not being too wise or too foolish. →

Well, folks, looks like we've got a real doozy of a chapter this week. Proverbs 31. It's the longest chapter in all of Proverbs and it's all about the ideal woman. She's referred to as the "worthy woman," and she's pretty much a superwoman. →