Hey, everybody, it's Norm MacDonald here, with a summary of the Bible for all you folks who don't have time to read it. This time we're tackling 1 Chronicles 1. As you can imagine, it's a real page-turner. →

Okay, so in 1 Chronicles 2, we meet the descendants of Israel: the sons of Judah, the sons of Simeon, the sons of Levi, the sons of Benjamin, and the sons of Zebulun. And, of course, that's not all! We also meet the descendants of Reuben, Gad, Ashur, and Hezron. →

Well, folks, it's time to take a look at 1 Chronicles 3. In this chapter, we meet the descendants of King David. And, boy, did they have a lot of kids! It's like a never-ending list of names, which I'm sure was really fun to read, but let's be honest, it's a little boring. →

Well, in 1 Chronicles 4, it looks like we've got some genealogies. Yahweh's people sure love to keep track of their family tree. It's like, "Hey, Henry the 4th was your great-great-grandfather? Wow, you must be really proud. →

Well, folks, looks like we've got another chapter from the Bible for ya! This time it's 1 Chronicles 5, and it's all about the genealogy of the Reubenites, the Gadites, and the half-tribe of Manasseh. Yep, you heard me right. →

So, 1 Chronicles 6... not a lot of action, but there's a lot of names. This chapter's basically like a phone book, just a long list of Levites who were descendants of Aaron. But here's the thing: they were all priests and they were responsible for the upkeep of the temple. →

Well folks, it's time for a chapter of the Bible that'll knock your socks off. In 1 Chronicles 7, we've got a whole lotta genealogies. Yep, that's right, it's a list of names, but don't worry, it's not as boring as it sounds. →

Now, let me tell you 'bout an interesting chapter of the Bible, 1 Chronicles 8. It's got a bit of everything, including long lists of names, which are always exciting. This chapter focuses on the descendants of Benjamin and then goes into a bit of Saul's background. →

Well folks, it's time for a summary of 1 Chronicles 9! A lot of boring stuff happened here - like, a lot. Apparently, there was a census taken of the people of Israel and Judah, and a bunch of names were listed. →

Alright, here we go: So in 1 Chronicles 10, we learn that Saul, the first king of Israel, is dead. Yeah, that's right, he died in battle and his kingdom was taken away. But don't worry, the Israelites got a new king, David. →

Well, it looks like the Israelites have found their new king in David! This chapter of 1 Chronicles is all about the way the people of Israel show their love for David, and how he takes charge of the kingdom. →

Hey folks, Norm MacDonald here with a quick summary of 1 Chronicles 12. Well, it looks like we've got a bunch of warriors joining up with King David. They're all from the tribe of Benjamin, and they're pretty excited to join in the fight. →

So folks, in 1 Chronicles 13, David and the Israelites decide that it's time to move the Ark of the Covenant from Obed-edom's house to Jerusalem, and they don't mess around. So they get an ox-cart to carry the ark, and put the Levites in charge of it. →

So, in 1 Chronicles 14, we meet King David. He's chillin' in Jerusalem, thinking about how to expand Israel. He consults with God, who gives him the idea to build an army and attack the Philistines. So, David goes out and kicks some Philistine butt, and even manages to take the Ark of the Covenant from them. →

Hey all, Norm MacDonald here with your summary of 1 Chronicles 15. So it turns out that King David was like, "Hey, let's bring the Ark of the Covenant to the house of Obed-Edom, 'cause that's the cool thing to do. →

Hey, uh, "Bible-hards," time for a quick recap of 1 Chronicles 16! So, here's what you need to know: David is officially king and he's like, "you know what? I'm gonna bring the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem, 'cause why not?" Then he's like, "let's write a song of thanksgiving to the Lord and make a big ol' party for the occasion!" So there's a big feast, with lots of singing, and everyone's having a good time. →

Well, folks, we’ve made it to 1 Chronicles 17. This chapter is all about King David and how he wanted to build a temple for God. God wasn’t too keen on the idea, but he told David that his son Solomon would be the one to build it. →

Hey everyone, it's Norm MacDonald here with the latest from 1 Chronicles 18. This chapter is all about King David's conquests, so buckle up. He conquered the Philistines and took their gold, silver, and other valuables. →

Well, folks, in 1 Chronicles 19, we're talking about war. Specifically, the war between the Ammonites, who were trying to reclaim their lost land, and King David of Israel, who was determined to keep it. →

In 1 Chronicles 20, we got to see some of David's finest work. He was a real badass, taking down giants, destroying Philistine forces and, of course, collecting some booty. Who says you can't have it all? But it wasn't all fun and games. →

Good evening, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is Weekend Update. The Bible's 1 Chronicles 21, not the most exciting chapter in the book. Basically, God gets mad at King David for taking a census and punishes him with a plague. →

Well, folks, it's been a wild ride in the Bible lately, and this chapter is no exception. In 1 Chronicles 22, King David is getting ready to pass the torch to his son Solomon and build the temple. He's got plans, resources, and strategy laid out, but here's the kicker: He's not allowed to build it himself, because of a special rule David's own God gave him. →

Hey, it’s me, Norm MacDonald, here with a summary of 1 Chronicles 23. So, Solomon died and his son Rehoboam became King of Israel. But he was a pretty lousy king, so the people asked a fellow named Jeroboam to be their king instead. →

"And now a look at 1 Chronicles 24 from the Bible: So, basically, it's just a bunch of priests and Levites getting all organized and stuff. 'Cause as we all know, God loves bureaucracy, right? But don't worry if you don't remember who the Ahimelek and Zadok were, 'cause honestly, there's like a million of 'em. →

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to update you on the latest news from the Bible. In 1 Chronicles 25, it looks like we’ve got some music-related news. King David has divided up the musicians of Israel into groups of 24 and has appointed a head musician over each group. →

Hey, it's Norm MacDonald here with the Bible summary. In 1 Chronicles 26, we got a real hodgepodge of chapters. Apparently there were a bunch of gatekeepers and treasurers, and they were divvied up by families. →

Good evening. Tonight we have a summary of 1 Chronicles 27. In this chapter we get a glimpse into the organization of the military in ancient Israel. We see that the army was divided into 12 divisions, each with its own leader and 24,000 men. →

Hey, you ever hear what happened in 1 Chronicles 28? Well, it's a real snooze-fest. King David gets all spiritual, and he gathers all the leaders of Israel and tells them to obey God's laws. He also gave them a pep talk about how to build the Temple. →

Well, in 1 Chronicles 29, King David is getting ready to kick the bucket, so he's making sure all his affairs are in order. He's doing some last-minute giving to the Lord, donating a ton of silver, gold, and other stuff to the temple. →