Lois: Okay, time for Deuteronomy! Stewie: Ooh, I know this one! It's the one where Moses and the Israelites are about to enter the Promised Land, and God gives them a pep talk about their journey. Peter: Yeah, like the one in The Lion King when Mufasa talks to Simba about the Circle of Life. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 2. Basically God told the Israelites to leave Mount Seir and head east for 11 days. On the eleventh day, they arrived in Oboth and then camped at Iye Abarim in the wilderness on the edge of Moab. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 3 starts off with a bang, y'know? Moses takes the Israelites to the edge of the Jordan River, and divides the land among the tribes. Oh, and he appoints three more leaders to help out. →

Lois: Hey Peter, what's the plan for today? Peter: Oh, I just got done reading Deuteronomy 4. It's about obeying God's laws and not worshipping any false gods. Lois: That sounds important, Peter. Peter: Yeah, and it also says to be careful cause God can be like a jealous ex. →

1-21 Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy chapter 5, this is the one where Moses is talking to the Israelites, right? Lois: Yeah, that's right! He's basically reminding them of the Ten Commandments. Stewie: Oh, here we go. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 6 is all about how important it is to love God. It's like, Stewie, you gotta love God above everything else. Stewie: Oh, I don't know about that, Peter. I'm too busy loving myself. →

Peter Griffin: Alright, so this Deuteronomy 7 chapter of the Bible starts off with God telling the Israelites that they should not intermarry with the people of the land they're about to conquer. But not like, because it's wrong to date outside your race. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 8. Lois: Uh huh. Peter: It starts off with God telling the Israelites that, if they follow his commandments, they'll be rewarded with a land filled with milk and honey. Meg: Cool. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy Nine starts out with God telling the Israelites that they need to remember how the Amorites, who had iron chariots, were more powerful than them. Lois: Right, and then God said the Israelites didn't win because of their own power, but because God was with them. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 10. Basically, God tells Moses to go up on Mount Horeb and chisel out two tablets of stone like the ones he destroyed before. Lois: Sounds like a lot of work for Moses. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 11. Um… Basically it's all about loving God and obeying his laws. You know, like don't steal and don't murder and stuff. Lois: Oh, and don't forget about not lying and honoring your parents. →

Peter: Alright folks, time for Deuteronomy 12. Basically, it's telling us that when the Israelites are in their new home, they have to worship in the exact spot that God tells them to. No substitutions allowed. →

Peter: Hey, Lois, it's time to talk about the Bible. Lois: Peter, I'm not sure I'm in the mood for this. Peter: Alright, alright, we'll do it Family Guy style. Chapter 13 of Deuteronomy starts off with a warning: don't listen to prophets who tell you to worship other gods. →

Peter: Alright, Deuteronomy 14. Let's see what we got here. So, uh, it says that Israelites can only eat certain kinds of animals. No pork, no seafood, I guess they were serious about keeping kosher. Lois: Oh, like that one time I went to a kosher deli, and I thought it would be like a regular deli, but it was nothing like it? →

Peter Griffin: Alright, Deuteronomy 15. So, this chapter is all about debtors and loans and stuff, right? Lois Griffin: Yeah, Peter. It says that if someone owes you money, you should forgive them. Brian: Yeah, but it also says that if you borrow money, you should pay it back with interest. →

[Peter Griffin] Deuteronomy 16: In this chapter, God tells the Israelites to make sure they celebrate three big feasts every year. The first is the Festival of Unleavened Bread, which is to be celebrated seven days after the Passover. →

[Peter] Okay, so Deuteronomy 17 is all about dealing with civil and criminal justice. So, like, if you’ve got a dispute, you should go to the priest and the judge who are in charge of the city. [Lois] Yeah, and they’ve got to follow the laws that God has set forth, like no bribes, no false testimonies and that sort of thing. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 18 is all about not sacrificing your children, right? Lois: Right! It also talks about not practicing divination or sorcery, and not consulting the dead. Brian: Yeah, and it talks about how God will bring a prophet like Moses, who will be able to tell the people God's will. →

Lois: Alright, so Deuteronomy 19! Peter, why don't you start? Peter: Oh, okay. So in this chapter, God is like: "If you guys want to live in peace and harmony, you gotta set up three cities of refuge." →

Peter: Alright, you guys, here's Deuteronomy chapter 20. So, here's the deal. God tells the Israelites not to be afraid when they go out to battle, cuz he's gonna be fightin' for 'em. He's like, "I'm gonna send an angel to go before you, and don't mess with anyone who's not an enemy. →

Peter: Alright, so this is Deuteronomy 21. It's all about rules for dealing with unsolved murder cases. Lois: Wow, that's pretty dark. Stewie: Yeah, but it's not as dark as the ending to Game of Thrones. →

Brian: Alright, so Deuteronomy 22 starts with this really weird law about women. Apparently, if you see a woman wearing clothes that belong to a man, you have to stone her to death. Peter: What?! That's horrible! →

Peter: Alright, Deuteronomy 23, here we go. So, uh, according to this, no one who is born out of wedlock or anyone with crushed testicles is allowed to enter the assembly of the Lord. Joe: That seems fair. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 24. Here we go. So, uh, the Lord says, 'A man who has recently been married shall not go out into battle, or be held responsible for any public business; he must be free at home for one year, to bring happiness to the wife he has married. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 25 starts off with a real head-scratcher. No one puts Baby in the corner, but apparently you can put a woman in the corner if she's married to someone who has a brother who dies. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 26. Alright, so here's the lowdown. When the Israelites enter the Promised Land, they're supposed to take some of the first fruits of their harvest, and bring them to the priest at the entrance of the sanctuary. →

Peter: Alright, let's see what's happening in Deuteronomy 27. Lois: So, what does it say? Peter: Well, it says that the people of Israel are to go to Mount Ebal and build an altar there. Then the Levites are to write all the curses of the law on stones. →

Peter: Alright, so in Deuteronomy 28, if the Israelites obey God's commands, they'll be blessed with prosperity, but if they disobey, they'll be cursed with all kinds of disasters. Lois: Sounds like a pretty typical episode of Game of Thrones! →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 29. It's a real doozy. Lois: Oh Peter, what does it say? Peter: Well Lois, it says that the Lord established a covenant with the people of Israel, that they would be His treasured possession if they obeyed His commands. →

[Peter] "Hey, Meg, ever heard of the book of Deuteronomy?" [Meg] "Uhh...is that like one of those Marvel movies?" [Peter] "No, it's in the Bible. Chapter 30 talks about how God promised the Israelites that if they ever chose to turn away from Him and His commandments, He'd punish them. →

Peter: Alright, here we go - Deuteronomy 31. So, Moses gave the Israelites a final pep talk before he died, saying that God would be with them even after he was gone, and that He would help them conquer their enemies. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 32. Let me see. It starts off with God telling Moses to sing a song to the Israelites, ah yeah, ah yeah. Then he reminds them that he's the one and only God, and that his love is everlasting, like the Backstreet Boys. →

Peter: "Hey, so we're up to Deuteronomy 33. What's it all about?" Lois: "Well, it's a blessing from Moses to the twelve tribes of Israel before his death. He speaks highly of the tribes and their God-given gifts, and even mentions their individual patron angels. →

Peter: Alright, so Deuteronomy 34. Moses died at the top of Mount Nebo and God buried him. Lois: Well, that's a bummer. Kinda like when I found out that the final season of Game of Thrones was gonna be so disappointing. →