Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 1. Uhh, let's see here. So, it starts off with a guy named David who is sad and in mourning, because he just heard that Saul and Jonathan had died in battle. Lois: Oh no! That's so sad. →

Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 2 is all about David makin' himself king of Judah. He starts by goin' down to Hebron and the people there anoint him king. Stewie: Oh, like when my mom anointed me the true ruler of the world? →

Peter (as King David): So, everyone, it has been a while since we last met. What has been going on in 2 Samuel 3? Lois (as Abner): Well, Peter, Abner has been really busy. He's been trying to make Ish-bosheth, the son of Saul, king over Israel. →

Peter: Alright, this is 2 Samuel 4. So, David's son, Ishbosheth, gets assassinated by two of David's captains, Rechab and Baanah. Lois: Wow, that's messed up. Brian: Yeah, they chopped off his head and brought it to David. →

Peter Griffin: So, 2 Samuel 5 is all about David, ya know? He's like, 'I want to be the king of all Israel, so let's make it happen!' Lois Griffin: Wow, that's pretty ambitious. So, what happened? Peter Griffin: Well, all the other tribes of Israel came together to anoint David as their king. →

Peter Griffin: Alright, so 2 Samuel 6 - it starts out with King David trying to bring the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem, but he's doing it the wrong way, with a bunch of oxen and a cart. Lois Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa - the wrong way? He should have been doing it the way the Lord told him to, with poles and no oxen! →

Brian: Alright, so 2 Samuel 7 is all about God making an everlasting covenant with King David. He promises that David's heirs will have an unending dynasty and that he'll establish a temple to honor him. →

Peter: Alright, so in 2 Samuel 8, we've got David defeating the Philistines and the Moabites. Lois: Wow, that's super impressive! Stewie: Yeah, David's a real superhero. Except without the spandex and the awesome theme song. →

Peter: Alright, so in 2 Samuel 9, King David tries to find out if any of Saul's relatives are still alive. Lois: Wait, why? Peter: Well, because he wanted to be kind and show kindness to Saul's family in memory of him. →

Peter: Alright everyone, let's get this Bible thing started. 2 Samuel 10... looks like it's about war. Lois: War? What kind of war? Brian: What are you talking about, Lois? Of course it's a war. It's always war in the Bible, isn't it? →

Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 11 is all about King David, right? He's chillin' at home when he notices this hot babe taking a bath. Lois: Uh, Peter, that's not really the focus of this chapter. Peter: Eh, close enough. →

Peter: Alright, so we got 2 Samuel 12. What's it say? Lois: Well, the prophet Nathan tells David a story of a rich man and a poor man, and David becomes angry. Brian: Wow, that's like that one time when I got mad at that rich guy at the dog park for not picking up after his Labradoodle. →

Peter: Alright everyone, we're summarizing 2 Samuel 13. Lois: Ugh, do we have to? Peter: You betcha. So, in this chapter, Amnon falls in love with his half-sister Tamar, and he tries to sleep with her. →

Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 14. Brian, you wanna take it? Brian: Sure. So, a woman approaches King David and tells him her story. She's the daughter of an exiled family, and her son is dead. She wants to bury him in the royal cemetery. →

Peter: Alright, so in 2 Samuel 15, King David's son Absalom is trying to take over his kingdom. Lois: Oh no, that sounds like a huge bummer. Brian: Yeah, but it's even more complicated than that. Absalom is trying to get rid of Ahithophel, one of David's best advisors, and he conspires with a bunch of other people to do it. →

Peter: OK, so the chapter starts off with this dude Shimei, who is cursing King David and throwing rocks at him and his followers. He's like "You deserve this, David, you killed Saul and his son!" Lois: Wow, that's harsh. →

Peter: Alright everybody, we're gonna do a summary of 2 Samuel Chapter 17! Lois: Oh Peter, that sounds too boring for us. Brian: It's not so bad. It's about Ahithophel, who was a counselor to David, and how he had betrayed him. →

Quagmire: Alright, so 2 Samuel 18. So, Peter, what's the deal? Peter: Well, Quagmire, David decides to send out his troops to fight Absalom. He sends out the commanders of the army and the troops follow. →

Peter: Hey Lois, did you know that in 2 Samuel 19, David shows mercy to his enemies? Lois: Hmm, yeah I guess. Wait, what does that have to do with Family Guy? Peter: Oh nothing, I was just trying to find a way to make the Bible summary more interesting. →

Peter: Alright, so in 2 Samuel 20, Sheba the son of Bichri is causing trouble and David's men are like "Yo, this guy needs to go" so they chase him. Lois: But then things get complicated, because Joab and Amasa are like in a power struggle and Joab kills Amasa, even though David was like, "Hey, don't do that!" →

Peter: Alright, so in this chapter of the Bible, 2 Samuel 21, David and the people of Israel are dealing with a famine. So David goes to ask the Lord what to do and the Lord says the famine is because of Saul and his bloodline. →

Peter: Alright, so in Chapter 22 of 2 Samuel, David praises God for delivering him from his enemies and for being his rock and fortress. He talks about how God has saved him from death and distress and then he makes a bunch of metaphors about God's power. →

Peter: Ok, so Chapter 23 of 2 Samuel is when King David is in his old age and he's reflecting on his life. Lois: Ooh, so what happened? Peter: Well, David says that he's been blessed by the Lord and that he's done a lot of good deeds. →

Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 24. Brian: Yeah, so David got a census of the people of Israel and Judah and God was not happy. He punished David and the people by sending a plague. Lois: But then David asked God to stop the plague and God made a bargain with him. →