Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 2 is all about David makin' himself king of Judah. He starts by goin' down to Hebron and the people there anoint him king.

Stewie: Oh, like when my mom anointed me the true ruler of the world?

Peter: Uhhh....yeah. Sure, Stewie. Anyway, David's reign is accepted by the people of Judah but not by the people of Israel. They're still loyal to Saul's son Ish-bosheth.

Lois: Aww, poor little Ish-bosheth!

Stewie: Yeah, I guess he's the odd man out now. Kinda like when my friend Rupert was the only one not invited to my birthday party.

Peter: Yeah, well, Ish-bosheth's men decide to fight for him, so a battle ensues between his army and David's army. David's men win, and then he appoints Abner as commander of Ish-bosheth's army.

Brian: Hey, this is just like when I was appointed the leader of the Pawtucket Patriot Beer Drinking Club!

Peter: Sure, Brian. Whatever you say. So, in the end, David becomes king over all of Israel and Judah, and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.