1. And it came to pass after this, that David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah? And the LORD said unto him, Go up. And David said, Whither shall I go up? And he said, Unto Hebron. →

Hey, folks, it’s me, Norm MacDonald with another chapter of the Bible. We’ve got 2 Samuel 2, and it’s a real doozy. So let me get you up to speed: David is king now and he’s trying to consolidate his power by setting up his son, Absalom, as the next king. →

Joe: Alright, so what do we have here? 2 Samuel 2. Bible Expert: Well, this chapter is about the battle between the followers of the late King Saul and the followers of King David. Saul's son, Ishbosheth, is the leader of the former and Abner is his commander. →

Alex Trebek: Alright, so let's start with something basic. Tell me a bit about yourself! Contestant: Well, I was thinking of summarizing the Bible! Specifically, 2 Samuel 2. Alex Trebek (Sighing): Ugh, not this again. →

Listen up! 2 Samuel 2 starts off with an old man named Abner making a deal with the house of Saul that he is going to make Ishbosheth the king of Israel. Abner puts him on the throne in Hebron, and Ishbosheth rules over Israel for two years. →

Batman: Robin, I have just heard news of a great battle between two armies in the lands of Judah. Robin: Who was fighting, Batman? Batman: The armies of Saul's son, Ishbosheth, and of David. It seems that David's forces have emerged victorious. →

C'mon, man! Here's the deal, folks. I'm not joking, literally. We're talking about 2 Samuel 2. Listen, Jack, my father used to say, "When someone's gotta go, they gotta go." Now, that's not gonna happen here. →

So tremendous! Many people are saying that 2 Samuel 2 is one of the most unbelievable chapters in the Bible. It tells the story of Saul's son, Ish-Bosheth, who was made king over Israel by Abner, the commander of Saul's army. →

Peter: Alright, so 2 Samuel 2 is all about David makin' himself king of Judah. He starts by goin' down to Hebron and the people there anoint him king. Stewie: Oh, like when my mom anointed me the true ruler of the world? →