Peter (as narrator): Alright, Family Guy viewers, here's the deal with Numbers 31. So, the Lord told Moses to take vengeance on the Midianites for all the trouble they had caused the Israelites. So, Moses sent out an army with 12,000 men, and told them to kill every Midianite man and boy.

Lois: Typical.

Brian: What do you mean?

Lois: You know, men always seem to think that violence is the answer to everything.

Peter: Hey, don't blame me, I'm just telling the story! Anywho, so the Israelites went and attacked the Midianites and they killed every single man and boy.

Cleveland: Whoa, that's cold.

Stewie: Yeah, I'm sure the Midianites were no match for a 12,000 man army.

Peter: Yeah, it was pretty much a massacre. So, they came back with all the stuff they took as plunder and divided it up amongst the people.

Quagmire: Sounds like a sweet deal.

Peter: Yeah, but it wasn't all good news though. They also brought back some women and children, and the Lord was not happy about it. He told Moses to send all the women and children outside the camp and kill all the ones that weren't virgins.

Joe: What?! That's so barbaric!

Peter: Yeah, it's pretty messed up. But that's the way it was back then. Anyway, the Israelites ended up keeping all the virgin girls as slaves, and giving a portion of the plunder to the Lord.

Lois: Wow, that's a lot of violence and death.

Peter: Yeah, it's a pretty dark chapter. But don't worry, it gets better!