[Peter]

So, John 12, huh? Well, Jesus finally arrives in Bethany and his friends, Mary and Martha, throw him a party. Then, Mary takes a jar of expensive perfume and pours it on Jesus' feet. Some people were like, "What the heck, Mary?!" But Jesus was like, "No, it's cool. This is like a pre-game ritual before I'm crucified. YOLO!"

Then, Jesus gives a speech about how he's gonna be lifted up and how whoever believes in him will have eternal life, even though it doesn't seem like it at first.

Then he tells everyone, "Hey, if you want to be my disciple, you gotta follow me and take up your cross. Otherwise, it's like that episode of Friends where they all got stuck in the elevator. You know, not cool."

And then the chapter ends with Jesus saying, "I'm the light of the world. Whoever follows me won't have to walk in darkness."

And that's John 12 in a nutshell. Y'know, like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer goes to that dude's house and it's all nutty.