Listen, Jack, here's the deal. The Lord's telling Moses to tell the people to be holy, because He's holy. No malarkey. Literally, He says to treat their parents with respect and keep the Sabbath day holy. Respect the elderly; no stealing or cheating. No lying, no backbiting, no cursing the deaf, no taking advantage of the blind. C'mon, man, don't spread rumours and don't stand by while someone else does. Oh, and don't use my father used to say, "You get what you pay for". That's not gonna happen.

No malicious gossip, no envy, no grudges. I'm not joking. Show respect for the Lord and for His altar, and for the priests. Don't go mixing stuff up; no planting two different kinds of seed in the same field. No clothing made of two different kinds of fabric. Don't eat any meat that's been torn by wild animals.

Folks, no fortune-telling, no sorcery, no consulting with ghosts. No tattoos. What was that? No cutting your hair at the sides of your head, no shaving the edges of your beard. No offering your children as sacrifices. Excuse me, no cutting your body in mourning. See here, Jack, no round haircuts, no cutting yourself when someone dies.

I tell you what, don't hold grudges, don't be spiteful, love your neighbour as yourself. No cheating when measuring weights and length. No taking advantage of foreigners, orphans, or widows. Or uh, you know, don't forget to give tithes. That's right, give 10% of your grain, new wine, and olive oil to the Lord. And don't forget to offer the firstborn of your herds and flocks. That's the deal.