Listen, Jack, here's the deal, literally: In Acts 21, Paul and his companions traveled to Jerusalem. On the way, they stopped in Caesarea to visit with Philip the Evangelist and his four daughters, who were all prophetesses. Paul and his group stayed in Caesarea for several days, and then they set off on their journey to Jerusalem.

When they arrived in Jerusalem, Paul was greeted by the church and they praised God. After they had settled in, Paul went to the temple to make a sacrifice, but some Jews from Asia recognized him and started to stir up a riot. The Roman commander then took Paul into custody.

C'mon, man! Paul then had to explain himself to the commander and to the crowd. He explained that he had been living in the city of Tarsus for the last several years and that he had come to Jerusalem to bring an offering for the poor. He also explained that he had been living as a law-abiding citizen and had done nothing to provoke or anger the crowd.

My father used to say, Paul was then released and allowed to continue on to the temple, where he was welcomed with joy. He then engaged in a four-day purification ritual and went to the temple to give a thank offering to God.

But, see here, Jack, some Jewish enemies of Paul heard about his activities and started to spread rumors that he had defiled the temple. This caused a huge uproar and the Roman commander had to intervene once again and take Paul into custody.

I'm not joking, folks, the commander then had Paul scourged to prove his innocence. But the crowd refused to believe him and the commander had to have Paul taken away to the barracks.

What was that? Paul then had to explain himself to the Roman captain and the chief priests. After he had done so, he was released and allowed to return to the temple, where he stayed for two more days.

I tell you what, at the end of the two days, Paul was arrested and taken to the Roman governor. He was then tried and put in prison, where he remained for two years.

Or uh, you know, no malarkey, the end!